Other Jobs I Could Have Had

Another old post from my old blog! CHEERFULLY ENOUGH, I NO LONGER HOMESCHOOL ANYONE! The final example is MY ACTUAL LIFE NOW! HOOOORAY!

Other Possible Fates

There is always, of course, this lingering and somewhat wistful feeling that there are other paths that one's life could have taken, another person we could have been if only we had made some different choice at some crucial moment. It is a bittersweet sort of feeling, really. And so, let me present: Different Possible Careers I Might Have Had.

Sarcastic High School English Teacher
"Oh really, Mr. Jones," I said. "I am so interested in hearing more about how Lord of the Flies is crap. Please come up to the front of the class and explain it to everyone."

I stand cross-armed and skeletal - sarcastic high school English teachers are a thin breed, harrowed out, perhaps, by their contempt for the thousands of jocks who should be rightfully sweeping the high school hallways and not going on to cushy post-University jobs.

"Soon, Rebecca! SOON," I whisper to myself. "Class is almost over and then there is vodka and Jude the Obscure to numb the pain."

Plucky Girl Detective
My handgun sank to the bottom of the lake as did the safe full of clues and the body of the greasy hitman sent to stop me from getting to the police. But I was alive, having escaped the burning car plummeting over the ravine into the icy lake in a hailstorm of bullets.

Suddenly an arm reached down into the water - a strong, sexy arm - and pulled me to safety.
I lay, gasping, and gradually my rescuer came into view. It was Juan, my Brazilian-American third ex-husband and former partner. Even half-drowned, half-frozen and with a bullet in my arm, I was painfully aware of the still-crackling sexual tension between us.

"What took you so long, baby?" I said. And then I passed out.

The World's Most Talented Ballerina
I am the world's most famous ballerina and I also look really excellent with all of my hair pulled back. Tonight is my most important performance. I dance the lead roles in Coppelia, Sleeping Beauty AND The Nutcracker and everyone agrees that I am the greatest ballerina ever. The crowd goes wild, standing and cheering. Everyone from my grade 2 class is there. They all feel really bad that they didn't realize how cool I was back in grade 2.

"If only we had all pretended to be brave WWII nursing dogs that one time like she wanted!" they weep.

Sensible Mother With Three Children In School
"So long!" I said, waving to them from the front porch. "Have a good day! See you later!"

They all march off, grumbling. I chortle merrily to myself and head back into the child-free warmth of my house where I am working on my masterwork, tenatively entitled "Me And Magnum Driving Around In A Dune Buggy."

O BOY

Does thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale? (Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)

WHAT A CRAPPY YEAR THIS HAS BEEN. All 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse are galloping around at full tilt and everyone is broke and anxious and OH LOOK! It's almost Christmas again! Which means that I will now write my fingers into bloody stubs, writing about Oprah's yearly over-the-top O List.

Oprah was the first of the Extravagant Ladies Gift Lists that I was aware of but now that there are many pretenders to her throne (I MEAN GOOP), Oprah's list still remains my favourite - no one else has the right mix of well-meant disconnect, objects I can't imagine anyone ever wanting, and actual charm. And she looks amazing on the cover, too.

Now that I've said some nice things, let us proceed to this year's list.

Right off the bat: Golden Beats Headphone and Beats Pill Speaker Set. They're $700! They're gold (-coloured)!
Seven hundred dollar gold headphones (and a speaker)! This sounds like something I should object to COMPLETELY, but eh. My quite expensive headphones make my life delightful. Have fun with your gold headphones, Marie Antoinette. I wonder how that's going to work out for you.

Big O Key Ring $55 and Ossential and Big Ossential Card Cases $65 and $75 each
It's a bracelet that has a dangling card case and a keychain on it. I thought it was a good idea in a please-don't-give-me-this-for-Christmas sort of way when I thought the whole thing was $55 but it's actually $125. Can you imagine getting this for Christmas? "Thank you," you'd whisper in hushed tones while everyone else opened up books and video games and Lego sets and you had a thing to hold your keys and your bank card while you jogged. Being an adult is AMAZING.

What I Know For Sure by Oprah Winfrey $25
If I had written a book of my collected wisdom (1. Living off candy is a bad idea. 2. It's easy to wash your dishes before they pile up but I still probably won't. 3. If you start writing novelty posts goofing about Oprah's Christmas Gift list, people will expect you to keep doing it until you are dead.) and I ALSO was writing a list of my suggested gift items for this year, you may be certain that I would put my book of wisdom on my list.

Ginger Beauty and Wellness Collection $265
Here we have ginger powder, ginger body scrub and ginger bath soak.
First off: my gracious, I do love ginger. I'm not sure if I want to rub ginger all over me, but I would still declare myself to be a ginger FAN. I frequently buy nubby ginger roots and powdered ginger and ginger tea, even, and yet I still doubt that my total lifetime expenditure of ginger adds up to $265.
Second: you know what your genitals do not want? To be steeped in ginger, probably.

French Bistro Coffee Mug $120 for set of 4
Handmade coffee mugs in frog belly green. One of the reasons we started mass-producing mugs was because the actual fair cost of hand-crafting a nice mug probably IS about $30 and yet I'd probably still break it within two weeks.

No Matchy-Matchy Initial Stud Earrings $80 per earring without diamonds, $150 with diamonds
These make "a perfect present for the teen on your list," writes Oprah. And since most teens I know have MULTIPLE ear piercings, you can very expensively spell out whole words!

Deluxe Gardenia Vine and Bloom Box $189
... okay, as far as I can tell, it's a box of fresh gardenias. Which is alright, I guess. I hate the smell of gardenias, and this seems like a lot of money but maybe you're both rich and fond of stinky flowers.

Sheepy Fleece Robe $84
"This is fantastic for $84!" said Oprah. $84 is not a bargain robe. For the vast majority of people, $84 is an expensive robe. An $84 robe SHOULD BE NICE BECAUSE IT IS EXPENSIVE. Still, it does come in a variety of pleasant colours, unlike most robes which are either white or terrible shades of burgundy.

Moscow Mule Tray and Six Mug Set $365
What is a Moscow Mule? Why does it need such expensive copper mugs? This is a lot of money. And yet the website is a coppery delight to look through, so I suggest that, although probably not while drinking a Moscow Mule, whatever that is.

Classic Plain Travel Collection $289
zzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzz

Petal Lane "Be Bright" and "Surprise and Delight" Magnet Boards $65
Is a magnet board's earnest exhortations really going to change someone's innate character? The delightful tend to be delightful and the glum tend to be glum and I don't think being cheerful is always appropriate, anyhow. Still, a cute magnet board might be a nice thing to put up in a teenager's room, although these are on the impractically expensive side.

Comfort Zone Body Butter Trio $93 or $15 to $56 each
The whole SET is expensive but two of the body butters are actually affordable, if someone on your list needs/wants something like that. I struggle with really dry skin so I have nothing all that snarky to say about good moisturizers.

Yoga Tablet 2 Pro $500
This is... fine? It has a projector built into it, which is kind of cool. What I'm finding totally distracting though is that it was developed by Ashton Kutcher. When did he become an innovative captain of industry? This is like when I found out that Jessica Simpson was a billionaire because of her fashion line and life is an unsolvable mystery, never to be understood.

Kate Spade Refillable Ballpoint Pens $36
Kate Spade is really great at a certain kind of restrained, tasteful and expensive adult whimsy that I really don't enjoy much. This is a case in point: it's a refillable, somewhat expensive pen so it's ADULT but it's colourful so it's WHIMSICAL and it's also not much fun because we're GROWN-UPS now and a blue and green pen is about as much of  good time as we're going to get.

Heart Snapshot Mix Photo Art - $42 with frame
This is genuinely a great idea, I think, and probably just the thing for the Grandmas on your gift list.

Footnanny Wellness Gift Set $144
If this was - half the price? No, then it would still be $72. - if this was maybe $45, this would be a tremendous present but as it is, it's only for rich people. And I don't know, but giving people foot care gifts seems a bit odd to me. Maybe your sister complains a lot about her feet, and then it would be a thoughtful choice, but if it's someone you have a romantic relationship with, "Please fix your feet" seems like a dangerous gift-giving path.

Nate Berkus at Target Dessert Plate Set $20
These are pretty cute. I don't tend to give anyone dessert plates, and strongly suspect this is not actually an item given as a gift, but it's affordable and attractive.

Lacquered Box To Hold Your Glasses $250
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? Who has that many glasses? Who needs a $250 box to keep them all in?

Vineyard Cuff Links $68
Perhaps you wear shirts with cuffs or perhaps a guy in your life does and I can't quite imagine this but it happens and these are alright, certainly. There are a lot of colour options, which is good news for your formal shirt-wearing friend.

Lurin Long Pajama Set $155
Every year - every year! - Oprah adds perfectly fine, very tasteful pajamas to her list and they're fine. They're great. They're also expensive.
But these are the greatest pajamas ever:

They're from Marks, they're about as sexy as wearing a fleece bear costume, they cost $40 and they are AMAZING.

Oprah Chai Set $90
Every year, there's one thing on Oprah's list that I quietly pine for and this year, this is it. How I long for this, with its glass prettiness that I would almost certainly break and ruin.

Morelle and Co. Pullout Jewelry Box $135
This is like a colourful version of one of those old-timey train boxes, and might be a fun gift for someone who really likes jewelry and who is not me.

Ultimate Welcome Home Basket $125
JIMMY KIMMEL, I KNOW WHAT OPRAH IS GIVING YOUR BABY. And this is actually a rather dreamy baby present - all soft colours and pretty baskets and lots of little wee things and hang on, I'm going to go broodily rock the cat for a while while weeping.

Edward Bess Black Sea Precious Pearl Perfector $78
There is just something about the idea of rich aging ladies rubbing ground-up pearls on their faces that... okay, I'm stopping this here. You're reading this for fun.

Our aging faces are not a problem. Giving someone a jar of $78 face cream IS problematic. Don't ever, ever do this.

Lafco Complete Holiday Candle Collection $240 for set of 4
GEE WHIZ, these are expensive candles. One thing I've found in my discussions with friends is that husbands, as a group, tend to be unreasonably irritated by those very nice $30 candles in jars. Spending $240 on 4 candles just seems unnecessarily husband-goading.

Star Map Necklaces $48
On the plus side, these are reasonably priced and quite pretty and wearing a subtle astrological star map isn't quite the same as wearing, let's say, a magnet bracelet. Still, if you're a grown-up and you wear astrological jewelry, I worry somewhat about you.

Le Creuset French Oven $280 French Oven $65 Baking Dish $65 Au Gratin Dish $60
One time I found a Le Creuset pot at a yard sale for TWENTY FIVE CENTS. I was so delighted! Bill was delighted because he'd heard they were unbreakable. They are not, it turns out.

Warby Parker Eyeglasses and Sunglasses $95 to $395 each
BILL HAS GLASSES JUST LIKE THIS. These are fine, attractive, Bill-pleasing glasses and a commendable cause but does anyone ever anywhere give another person glasses for Christmas? Is this a thing people do?

Electra Lot 7D Ladies Bike $550
While I can't find the Ladies Bikes anywhere on this page, they do seem quite nice. Of course, I already know which bike I want - THIS ONE:

Jessica Fletcher, by the way, would never have dreamed of rubbing a cream made of ground up pearls on her face. Let's age more like Jessica Fletcher, Fictional Lady.

Victorinox Swiss Army Works Traveler 20-inch Dual Caster Expandable Carry-On $350, Wheeled Large Capacity Duffle $370 27-inch Dual Caster Expandable Upright $440
The set listed on Oprah's list are in her favourite shade of what I find to be unattractively lurid green, but the set comes in many colours and I'm sure is dandy.

Custom Portrait Dog Beds $445 to $710
RAISE THE BLACK FLAG

Most years, I would just find this hilariously unnecessary.
I know you love your pets.
And I know suffering humanity will always be with us and I know that an argument could be made - and it's one I make myself, a lot - that anything other than the basics are an unnecessary luxury and so why get ANYTHING? But the difference between this and almost everything else on this list is that your dog LITERALLY does not care Your dog does not want or need this and it will not make your dog happier.

And you know, I don't think in any way that I should get any sort of say in anything you do. Maybe you do a lot of active good in this world and this is the one thing that will make you happier than anything and maybe you are Oprah herself, who has certainly given far more than I will ever be able to and in that case it's fine and dandy but your dog still does not care. My dad's dog loves sleeping on my dad's workjacket and that is his idea of perfect bliss and it costs nothing.

Let's keep moving.

Character Hats $40

Aren't those cute? Those are so cute. I wish I could get them for my kids.

Tory Burch Reva Watch $395
Ah, Tory Burch. Another one of those tasteful, expensive, preppy-type designers. Either you like this aesthetic or you are me. And I think watches are, by their very nature, completely boring. But this is probably fine, if you are wealthy and like watches and good taste and can't think of something better to do with $400.

Charlie V-Neck $214 for set of 3
Follow me as I go on an emotional journey with these shirts:
1. That's expensive for three long sleeve shirts. No.
2. They're for a charity? Huh, what charity is that?
3. AGH they're raising money so pets can stay with their dying owners?
4. *donates all my money so I never have to think about this again*

Fancy Notebooks $14 to $22 each
Spiffy notebooks or agendas that you can personalize - picking the pattern and monogram styles and I designed this one for myself that says everything about me:

Mainly that I am Canadian and named Beck and that I like both fun stationary products and things with my name on them. WHAT MORE COULD THERE BE?

Alena Ugg Slippers $120
Mentioning that these are ugly is beside the point, because of course they're ugly. They look immensely comfortable and I worry, personally, that if I was given something like this, I would forswear regular footwear and just walk around with my feet in hideous, pillow-like, desire-quenching comfort forever.

VertuoLine Single Serve Brewer and Espresso Maker $430
My favourite recent grifter is whatever clever huckster convinced everyone that those little expensive freeze-dried coffees in their enviromentally-crappy pods are substantially better than instant coffee and that it is then ALSO reasonable  to ALSO buy $430 machines to use with them. How did this happen? I feel like the guy yelling at the army trucks at the end of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.

I know that most people disagree with me about this. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

White Fake Fur Velvet Lined Hooded Coat $499
OPRAH LOOKS AMAZING IN THIS and I would also like one. I could swan around like whatshername in Doctor Zhivago. Tragically for me, I am not in the $500 fake fur coat income bracket, which seems like a pity.

The Hundred-Foot Journey Blu-Ray Combo Pack $40
I actually can't find the $40 one listed, but this one is $22 and your aunt would probably really like this movie. It has all the components of a real aunt-pleaser. Oprah co-produced it, too, which your aunt will also probably enjoy knowing.

Wide Headbands $10
Actually they're $8 right now and I love wide headbands so YES PLEASE.

La Cienga Wedge Boots $245
Not content to merely be the sort of boots I don't like much, they also have a hidden wedge heel so I can sneakily make myself VERY VERY TALL.This seems both fun and also rather dangerous while I'm staggering around in snowbanks.

Cote Nail Polish Gift Set $144
"Leave the trendy colours to the teens," Oprah says. I'm so depressed by this that I'm going to take my purple nails and go lay down for a while.

I'm back. Rage hard against a world that wants to subdue you into tasteful neutrals.

Khepri Large Drop Earrings $155
These are pretty and I like reading about how they're made to be lightweight. I also like the illustrations on the website showing how big they are: REALLY BIG! I don't even have pierced ears, but these seem nice for someone who does and who likes big, elaborate earrings.

Touch Quilted Cuff Gloves $78
These are spiffy - you can still text constantly while wearing them, they're warm, AND they have giant ornate puffy cuffs so you can wear them to your medieval cosplaying events on those winter weekends, too.

GoPro Hero Camera $130
Oh, these are fun. Bill and a friend went kayaking and took turns wearing one of these little video cameras on a helmet as they kayaked down various things and risked making me a very attractive widow.

Peace Love World I Love Sundays Long Sleeve T-shirt $98
I don't love Sundays, really. They drift, somewhat pointlessly, into Mondays and tend to be rather dull. Also, this is a nearly $98 shirt. I don't love that, either.

365 Gathered Truths Box $85
So this is a faux-weathered wooden box with 365 inspirational quotes in it. Like Jody Foster in Contact, I have no words, and they should have sent a poet.

Are you someone who finds Inspirational Pinterest Boards actually inspiring? Then I guess this is for you, and I wonder how you accidentally read this far in this post?

Waring Popcorn Maker with Melting Pot $130

This is a popcorn maker with an attached heated metal pot for warming your butter.
It costs $130.

This is an $18 popcorn maker that you can get at Target.

And this is a microwave. It is ALREADY IN YOUR KITCHEN. You can use it to warm butter for your popcorn.

12 Days of Christmas Sterling Silver Bangle and Swarovski Crystal Charm Set $500
The problem here is me. I don't like jewelry so I'm just sitting here frowning at this.

Oprah and Deepak's Meditation Transformation Trilogy $100

Forte 13-piece Cutlery Block Set $130
These are nice, I guess, and the block itself is magnetic "to showcase the entire dishwasher-safe collection." DO PEOPLE WANT TO LOOK AT MY KNIVES WHEN THEY COME TO MY HOUSE?

NX Mini Camera $450
This features "a flip-up LCD screen that makes taking the perfect selfie easier than ever." My 15 year old told me about a friend taking ONE HUNDRED SELFIES while getting ready for school one morning. ONE HUNDRED!

You can also send pictures to your phone or tablet with it too. Well, that's smart. If I had $450 to spend, I would get this for my kid's friend to help her speed things up in the morning.

O Gift Tier Membership $79
A subscription to O magazine, with a box of luxury cosmetics samples, a weekly newsletter and discounts at O-affiliated stores. If you think this sounds PERFECT, here it is.

Vitamix $409
A REALLY REALLY expensive blender so rich people can feel expensively like they're making healthy choices! I'm sure it's a dandy blender too, and the portable cup attachment is smart.

Charter Club Cashmere Hoody $169
Most of the time, when cashmere sweaters are on this list, I just gently roll my eyes and move on but this one has a zipper, a hood, many colour options, and a bunny-hug, so now I am cursing my impecunious state and farewell, cruel worlding. And this is, of course, the ultimate point of luxury items, to really delineate the difference between Us and Them.

Also, this is a very nice sweater.

Hadley Tote $79
It's fine.

Beauty Express Brow Kit $40
After a big chat with a bunch of ladies on Twitter the other day, I've decided that every woman I know needs this for Christmas. ONE FOR ALL MY FRIENDS. Won't someone rid me of these troublesome eyebrows?

Chocolate Bark Holiday Tins $42 for Set of Two
I wouldn't buy this but I would happily eat it which indicates a certain lack of moral will, doesn't it?

Mini Filled Bagel Balls Variety Pack $36 for 36 Bagels
I'm not a big fan of bread-y things, but I'm sure these are fine.

Premium Fruit Syrups $7
This actually sounds very appealing. We're into the winding-down food portion of the list now, where I love everything because I'm always so desperately hungry.

Mocha, Triple Berry, and Princess Cakes $30 each
Cake is PROBABLY my favourite thing.

And look how pretty those are!

Smoked Salmon Sampler Git Box $195
I love smoked fish with an inhuman, bear-like hunger. I get all MY smoked fish from Purvis Fisheries. (mostly trout, thanks for asking.)

Holiday Cheese Collection $60
A big fancy stack of cheeses means that I would go on the all-cheese diet until my heart packed up and walked right out of me.

Holiday Statement Chocolate Box $70

I find the colours on these slightly off-putting. Do you want to eat painted chocolates? Hm.

Truffle Oil Holiday set $59
"Since I crossed truffle hunting in Italy off my bucket list," writes Oprah and that is a splendid, evocative sentence and I wish Oprah had a beautiful golden-hued book about her adventures truffle hunting and the love that could not be with the handsome young truffle hunting guide in Tuscany or wherever it is that one hunts! for! truffles!

Truffles taste gross. But here is a fancy set of truffley oil, if you'd like.

Handcrafted Caramel Mix Assortment Box $49
This looks fantastic.

Jam Sampler Git Set $55
I've written about my thoughts on jam before and feel put out that I'm expected to do so again. Homemade jam is a fine, splendid thing to give one's friends. By all means, do that.

Tequila Blanco $70
NO THANK YOU I WILL JUST HAVE THIS NICE GLASS OF GINGERALE INSTEAD

Tequila. Yuck.

Pasta of the Month Club $75 for three months
For three months, your recipient will get a bag of locally sourced, seasonal pasta (what? How is pasta seasonal? I do not know.), a bag of organic handmade pasta and a recipe and wine suggestions. It's at least an interesting concept, even if I'm not sure it's entirely worth $25 a month.

Happy Holiday Loaf - $150
WHOA THIS IS A GIANT LOAF OF BREAD LOOK AT THAT

European Salami sampler $60
"Consider it the United Nations of cured meat," Oprah writes and I will! I will consider it this thing! Salami is, like cheese, something I unfortunately cannot stop eating once I have it around and so I never DO have it around, and this is a delicious and lethal-looking amount of internationally-administering salami.

Petit Quiche Assortment $42
THE LAST THING! I DID IT! And the final thing is.... wee quiches. I DO NOT CARE. Eat them if you'd like. I am DONE.

And so ends this year's Oprah's Gift List. A fair number of things left a sour taste in my mouth this year, and yet overall, it felt like a subdued list, lacking some of the wackier items from years gone by. But writing this monster list every year marks the true beginning of my Christmas season, and I hope that reading it has brought you some holiday merriment, too. xo

The Corrected People Magazine Hot Guy List

Ah, People Magazine - moldering antique from a simpler time when we liked our celebrity gossip gentler and our crossword puzzles really, really unchallenging - and yet once a year it manages to make itself briefly relevant again by picking some divisive dude to be their Sexiest Man of Earth Planet For The Next 365 Days.

This year's pick: Cootie King Adam Levine!

It's nice to see that this one messed-up girl I used to know who ALWAYS dated serial cheaters with 6 kids from 5 different women is now in charge of the People Magazine Hot Man List. She's going places!

Next up: Idris Elba.

He's a fine-looking man! This is a solid choice. No complaints!

Next: Luke Bryan

He's a famous country singer, and precisely what I do not mean when I say that I like guys "artsy and complicated." When you want to think of My Type (and why would you want to do this?) picture the opposite of Luke Bryan.

Also, remember this episode of Friends?

DUDE YOUR TEETH ARE IN THE UNCANNY VALLEY. STOP BLEACHING THEM.

And more: Jimmy Fallon.

I LIKE Jimmy Fallon. I find him reasonably funny and quite affable. These are nice things. I'm almost certain that he's a  nice man, which is a rare thing in funny men, but he also looks like a gentle turtle.

Next: spry, fedora-wearing leprechaun Bruno Mars:

If you like spry fedora-wearing leprechauns,  here you go. His new song promises that "we'll be making love like gorillas." Is this an image anyone wanted?

And more: HGTV guys Jonathan and Drew Scott.

I've never, ever watched their show. Maybe they're much sexier when they're moving and talking. Maybe.

Onward: Justin Timberlake.
Smug! Arrogant! Vainly attempting to have a mediocre acting career instead of BEING A POP SINGER LIKE GOD INTENDED AND YET CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO AT THE 3:44 MARK:

Fun fact: babies magically made by this song when it first came out are now nearly eight years old.

Surging Forwards: the genetically-blessed Chris Pine.

Sure. I mean, he's nothing I find attractive but his inclusion doesn't make me want to punch my monitor, either.

Next up: the phenomenally-talented Pharrell Williams:

He's FORTY! It is UNFAIR how men age and he is ASTONISHINGLY talented as well as having a picture of himself mysteriously aging in his attic.Go check out his Wikipedia page if you aren't sure who he is.  AND he has an interesting, individual face. A quirky, interesting choice.

And more: Ronan Farrow.

As in child of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen or possibly Frank Sinatra and we're all just so EAGER to have the children of famous people turn out hot and not disappointing. He certainly is clever, at least, and he's a handsome young man.

Almost there: Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend Justin Theroux

He's handsome and very talented in his own right. His inclusion on this list made me roll my eyes cruelly, but there's no reason for that.

Finally: David Beckham.
SOME people don't find David Beckham attractive. These people also probably don't like the laughter of babies, kittens and strings on fuzzy mittens. THESE PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS.

Proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

My grade for People Magazine: 5.5 out of 10.

NOW for MY Completely Arbitrary List Of Famous Men I Think Are Pretty Sexy While I'm Sitting Here This Morning:
I've been watching a lot of reruns of Being Human these days, so Aidan Turner!

He also plays a Hot Dwarf in the new Hobbit movies:

New to my list: Sleepy Hollow's Ichabod Crane:

As played by Tom Misson. "Why are we watching this show every week?" Bill grumbled at me. BECAUSE IT'S A VERY GOOD SHOW OR SOME EQUALLY VALID OTHER REASON.

Gael Garcia Bernal

He was on my list last year as well. This is because he is a dreamboat.

Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock Holmes




Stanley Tucci

STAAAANLEEEY I LOVE YOOOOU.

Once Upon A Time's Captain Hook:

This is called "smart casting."

Tom Hiddleston

Shaun Evans

Did you watch Endeavour too? WHO KNEW MORSE WAS AN ATTRACTIVE YOUNG MAN?

Aragorn in the Lord of  The Rings

A few years back now, which makes this a CLASSIC choice.

Allan Hawco

Canada SHOULD consider changing it's slogan to We Make Good-Looking Men.

THE ROCK

Affable! Beautiful! Humble! VERY VERY FUNNY ON TWITTER! And also my future husband, come the Zombie Apocalypse.

Also this:

Who'd I leave out? 

It's Oprah Time Again!

This year's Favorite Things post really snuck up on me - silent and deadly, like a beautiful, festive, very, VERY expensive alligator. I'd kind of thought that given her television network's unsuccess, Oprah would have a quieter, less flashy list this year but I am a FOOL and this list is gung-ho and over-the-top and yet also strangely boring unless you REALLY LIKE TRUFFLES. Where are the hot pink trapper hats of yore? They are gone, gone forever and nothing, apparently, will bring them back. But we do start the list off on a cheerful cake-y note at least:

Present Cake

What is it? This is a luridly-green Grinch Who Stole Christmas-esque chocolate cake. It costs $79.
Do I want it? I DO like cake, even if it is green. But Christmas is already pretty dessert-y and there is a very high chance that I would view The Gift Of Cake as a personal challenge. JUST ME AND A CAKE AND A FORK.
What should you give me instead? Give me a cake. I will eat this cake.

Genevieve Boots
What is it? High shafted* Ugg boots with leather ribbons on them. They cost $300.
Do I want it? They're pretty FOR UGGS but one winter in the salty slushy crap I have to walk in and they'd look AWFUL.
*"High shafted" HEE HEE HEE!

Wave Pointed Canape and New Leaf Dessert Plates
What is it? Weirdly shaped white canape and dessert plates - $30 and and $52 for 4.
Do I want it? No. Plates are not presents.

T-fal ActiFry
What is it? A low-fat deep fryer. $250.
Do I want it? Nope. I normally make MY low-fat "fries" by slicing up whatever vegetable I'm using, drizzling them with a bit of olive oil and tossing them in the oven for some vague amount of time. GOOD ENOUGH and there's not another small appliance to put away. Also, who makes french fries enough at home that this is a going concern? That person eats TOO MANY FRENCH FRIES.

Kindle Paperwhite
What is it: It's an eReader. $119.
Do I want it? I was given an eReader two years or so ago and at first I was pretty pleased but I gradually lost all interest. Turns out I love reading BOOKS. But this one looks nice enough, if you want one, I guess, although I kind of feel like eReaders are from two years ago and everyone already has one.

Bigarade Shower Gel and Body Milk
Instead of hearing ME blather about it, let's listen to Jason Statham!
HEE. This is a SILLY list. This is a silly thing to write about. And the bodywash costs $75 and the body "MILK" costs $95. GOOD GRIEF! NINETY FIVE BUCKS!
Do I want it: No, but I've decided that I like Jason Statham. Helllo, handsome!

Diamond Quilted Barn Jacket
What is it: It is a $128 quilted barn jacket and there may be things in this world more unflattering (in hulk green!) but I can't think of them off the top of my head.
DO I want it: No thank you.

Oprah & Deepak Meditation CDs
What is it: OPRAH AND DEEPAK CHOPRA RECORDED HER "MEDITATION EXPERIENCES" AND NOW YOU CAN BUY THEM. THIS IS IT! THE THING I WANT LEAST IN THE WORLD FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.
Do I want it: WHAT DO YOU THINK?

PerfectTemp Cordless  Electric Kettle
What is it: it is a $100 cordless kettle. I sort of can't imagine giving one for a gift, although they're pleasant things to own.
Do I want it? I already have one much like it. We're good.

Washi Tea Tins and Chai Oolong
What is it: cute tins ($11)  to put nice tea ($13) in. Nothing to snark about here unless you HATE HAPPINESS, you monster.

Do I want it: sounds nice.

Beats Studio Headphones
What is it: $300 headphones that were on the list LAST YEAR. Apparently we live in dark times where there is but one gift-worthy headphone brand. Dark, pricey times.
Do I want it: Not really. I don't want headphones that are theoretically worth more than my head.

V-Neck Long Sleeve Tee and Double Layer Lounge Pants
What is it: Cotton pajamas. The top is $74 and the bottom is $148. That's pricey.
Do I want it: Pajamas are always nice but I like mine made out of something substantial and warmth-radiating, like the pelts of Muppets.

Enrico Products Spiral Salad Bowl and Servers
What is it: Sort of loopy looking orange salad servers and a matching bowl. $20 and $55
Do I want it: I'd say a grouchy "NOOO" except a few birthdays ago, my mom gave me a giant plastic bowl and told me, generously, that it was for when I was eating chips and drinking and I love it and have used my unbreakable giant chip bowl on many an occasion, so maybe I ALSO want a big orange salad bowl too, who KNOWS at this point? Maybe I just haven't told myself yet.

Qooq Touch Tablet
What is it? It's a $399 touch tablet loaded with 1000 recipes and searchable by ingredients and can I just silently point to my second hand copy of Joy of Cooking that I got for $5?
Do I want it? No, not really.

Gold Plated O Shaped Candlestick Holders
What is it: O-shaped candle holders that won't block your view of your dinnermates at swanky dinner parties and hang on a minute while I'm totally bitter about my fancy dinner party-free LIFE here for a bit.
Do I want it: No, I mostly just want to have some posh friends who throw fancy dinner parties and want me to come to them for some weird reason.

Beligian Linen Silkscreened Pet Picture Pillow
What is it: this is the one pet-themed gift this year. There is - a few items down - a pet GIFT, but this is the only suggestion for people who like their dogs waaaay too much and have a lot of expendable income. So this is a hand-drawn illustration of your pet, printed on a linen pillowcase and filled with a goosedown pillow and if you have $395 and think this is JUST the thing you want, here you go.
Do I want it: Nooo. I have cats - or A Cat, thanks to this year's Grim Cat Tragedy - and she's plenty decorative on her own without me me getting a pillow with her face on it (that she would then sleep on).

Amaryllis Gervase Bulb Kit
I keep skipping over writing this one for no reason that I can see. It's a nice looking flowerpot, Dutch Amaryllis bulb and "growing material," packaged very nicely  It's $43 and pretty - look!

Isn't that cute? And although I don't want it, I can easily imagine people who would.

Andre Walker Hair Set
What is it: A high end ($18-22) hair line and I don't think hair products make a great Christmas present but maybe you want to treat YOURSELF, in which case I'm sure it's nice.

Caddylicious Stationary Set
What is it: Merciful heavens, it's a clear plastic box filled with ugly stationary that costs - for mysterious Rich People Reasons - $300. If I was going to spend $300 on a STATIONARY SET, I would want it to be a beautiful hand-illuminated Book of Kells-type deal and not this so optical-illusion-y, but this is probably some sort of litmus test to see who deserves to stay poor.

Italian Leather/Cashmere Lined Gloves
What is it: The title says it all, but it also doesn't say that they're from $150 to $250 and also JUST the thing to slap your enemy in the face with before declaring a duel.

Butter London Nude Nail Polish Set
What is it: An $85 8 piece nail polish set in various skin-toned shades of brown. There's 2 horrible reasons why we don't tend to paint our nails beige or brown:
1. Painting your nails the same shade as your skin isn't very attractive.
2. Really? You can't think of a gross reason that people don't normally have dark brown nails?
Do I want this? I would like almost any OTHER of their nail polish sets, but not this one.

Ashton Kutcher co-designed tees
What: High-end t-shirts ($136 for 4) and while Ashton Kutcher having anything to do with them isn't a selling point in MY mind, some of the shirts are actually pretty cute for shirts that are priced waaaaay out of my price range.

Toulouse Jewelry Box
What is it: a truly hideous $295 jewelry box, like poor RED Fraggle with a terrible disfiguring skin condition.

Imagine her made into a jewelry box.

BUT while I was trying to find the box on the site, I ALSO found the world's cutest jewelry box. IT'S A SQUIRREL AND I NEED IT. 

Eco Friendly Dog Toys
What is it: A bin of dog toys. I'm really looking forward to that dark time in my life when I buy a $68 box of dog toys for my Fur Baby for Christmas because all my Human Babies are grown up and off skiing and having fun and so instead I have a little dog in a sweater, bewildered and a little freaked out by this big expensive box of dog stuff.
Do I want it? - NOT YET. Give me about ten years.

Samsung Galaxy Gear Watch and Samsung Galaxy Note 3 Smartphone
Okay. So the watch is $300 and the phone starts at $700 and I don't know, maybe you're quite affluent and your husband wants a watch that tells him when he has a new message on his phone. Here you go.

Cashmere and Himalayan Wool Boyfriend On The Block Sweater
What is it: It's a... cashmere and Himalayan wool colour block sweater? For $225? The thing about living in the remote northern hinterland*, like me, is that whole fashion trends can rise and fall without me ever really being aware of them and so it was with colour blocking. But $225 is a LOT of money for something that's going to look dated in a little while or that MAY ALREADY LOOK DATED as far as I know, so if you're getting someone a cashmere and Himalayan wool sweater, possibly get them a more classic look.

* I don't actually live THAT far north. I'm exaggerating for comedic effect and also because I exaggerate A LOT.

Susan Hanover Earrings
What is this? They are coloured gem and oxidized silver drop earrings and "look much more expensive than they actually are." This is a problematic statement because they are $220 earrings and are thus an outrageous luxury item already for MOST PEOPLE.
Do I want this: I don't even have pierced EARS.

SeeHome Desk Magnifier
What is it? It's a set of reading glasses on a chain on a stand for the older people of your acquaintance who still describe themselves as "free-spirits" and who also lose their reading glasses a lot, from the looks of things. $49.
Do I want it: NO I AM YOUNG. PRACTICALLY A CHILD. I JUST SIT THIS CLOSE TO THE COMPUTER SCREEN BECAUSE I LIKE IT.

Burts Bees Baby Hand-Embroidered Organic Cotton Bibs
What are they: They are a basket of three hand-embroidered organic cotton bibs for $79 and you really, really don't need this. (OR are you buying a present for Prince George? This would do nicely.) The shop has lots of lovely little outfits at much more reasonable prices, I feel morally compelled to say.
Do I want it: No, I am out of babies.
What should you give me instead: Something that won't make me sob and sing "Sunrise, Sunset" as I put expensive, hand-embroidered, organic baby bibs on my cat all Christmas morning.

Coltellerie Berti for Match Convivio Nuovo Steak Knives
What is it: It's a way to spend $475 and still be really boring.

Baptism on Cane River Plate
What is it: A decorative plate ($168) with a print of one of Clementine Hunter's paintings on it. I don't like the plate because I feel like the raised edge distracts from the image BUT the store has lots of better versions:

See?

Mophie Juice Pack Helium for iPhone 5
Huh, this is cool - it's a cute, bright cover for your iPhone that also CHARGES it, which is kind of neat. WE ARE LIVING IN THE FUTURE! $80.

Classic Coffee and Tea by Yedi
What is it: 6 sweater-print mugs for $50. I am shrugging indifferently, although I like mugs well enough. I recently broke my favorite mug, which was a free promotional item from a car lube shop. If I really like you, perhaps I'll give you six of those.

Raffia and Leather Bag
What is it: It's a bag made out of what looks like a straw hula skirt, some leather and some clear plastic-y bits. "Guess how much this costs?" I said as I shoved the magazine in poor M's face. She guessed $60 and then had to deal with the knowledge that it was actually $250 and adult life is a mystifying place where anything can cost anything because numbers are random and meaningless and we're all rich, ANYHOW.
Do I want it: Nooooo.

Ben & Lael Tomato Server and Small Gingko Leaf Flat Server
What is it: handmade copper servers that look like tomatoes and gingko leaves. Can you imagine what sort of crazy lottery win it is to be a small business craftsperson and to get your stuff on Oprah's list? THAT WOULD BE CRAZY. They're $225 and $175.

Personalized Enamel Purse Mirror
What is it: the title says it all. $30. It's cute, if you're in the $30 compact mirror market and need a nice stocking stuffer.
Do I want it: yes, but a cheaper version would ALSO be nice.

Rado True Thinline Jubile
What is it: It's... a collection of made-up-words? I tried slapping my computer and yelling "MAKE MORE SENSE!" but that didn't help.
No, wait! It's a white watch! And it costs $2700! I'm going to stare at it until it reveals the hidden mystery of why it costs as much as a used car, hang on.
Do I want it: No, expensive watches bring out my Inner Puritan.

Himalayan Salt Tequila Shot Glasses
What is it: Tequila shot glasses made out of... solid salt! Have you noticed that Oprah writes about tequila A LOT? Is everything okay, Oprah? $45 for six.
Do I want it? Not particularly, although they're nifty enough, I guess.

Optical Red Champagne Glasses
What is it: A bright red dishwasher-safe champagne glass for $20. I own a couple of champagne glasses and get to use them once in a while, which is nice, but mine are CLEAR because I don't normally drink champagne WITH SATAN.

Nest Fragrances Holiday Grand Four-Wick Candle
What is it: A giant Christmas-smelling candle for... whoo hoo! It's $225! HAHAHAHA. Once in a while, I buy one of those giant candles in a jar for $30 with a deep, satisfying sense of sin. I can't imagine spending that much on a candle. People are nuts.

Plum and Gold Headbands
There's no online link - HOW? - and I don't have much to say about headbands anyhow. Either you wear them or you wouldn't think of it, the end.

Maple Leaf At Home 18" Lazy Susan
What is it: a $195 monogrammed wooden Lazy Susan and I LOVE those. WHEE, my food is taking a fun ride! You can get me this one - it's quite nice.

Urban Muumuu
Do I want it: I've gone full circle on this - first there was horror and then there was my continued desire to have a full Luv Life and then there was "BUT THIS LOOKS SO COMFY!" and now I'm Mrs. Roper. SO YES.

Look at this thing! (I mean the muumuu. The model is lovely.)

What should you get me instead? If you're Bill: SOMETHING FOXIER THAN A MUUMUU. If you're anyone else, this will do JUST fine, thanks! (in black.) It's $122.

Green Malachite Boxes
What is it: Velvet lined boxes in a dark-green swirly print. $49 to $69 each. "I collect green malachite boxes," Oprah writes so now that is a thing we know. SO MANY GREEN MALACHITE BOXES ALL FULL OF SECRETS!
Do I want it? No. Oprah can have it.

Pie Corps Roast Turkey and Sweet Potato Pie
ANOTHER thing that comes from some magical store with no internet presence! This is a roast turkey and sweet potato pie and that sounds delicious, doesn't it? I'm so hungry. I think I need a snack. Anyhow, it's $45, which is kind of a lot.

The Cordial Cherry Edible Nativity
What is it: It is a cutesy Nativity set made out of chocolate-dipped cherries. "Sweet Jesus" is both the header and ALSO what I said when I saw it. $45.
Do I want it: Um, no.
What should you give me instead: A 300 page essay on "The Troubling Theological Implications of Edible Cartoony Nativities" with FOOTNOTES.

28 Green Single-Origin Dark Chocolate Ganache Truffles Set
What is it? A $75 fine chocolate set:

cute!

Fine chocolates are my weakness. Actually, I have many, many weaknesses, but fine chocolates are - horribly enough, considering that I'm not wealthy, one of them.

Organic Greek Fir Honey
What is it: It's a fancy jar of honey! It's such a fancy jar of honey that I kept looking at it and looking at it trying to make it be a jar of fancy face cream or something. $29

I'm a jar of honey! 

Do I want it: I do love honey. I'm going to encourage you now to support your LOCAL honey-dealers lavishly and support their efforts to keep the bee population going.
What to get me instead: several of those cute bear-shaped bottles of local honey for me, thank you.

Sprinkles Cookie Dough 
What is it: It's a tube of $12 cookie dough that makes six big cookies.
Do I want it: Noooo. I mean, it's fine. Maybe you have someone who is EXACTLY in the $12 tube of cookie dough gift category in your life and here you go, but cookies aren't exactly hard to make from scratch, either.
What to get me instead: Some cookies WOULD be pretty nice.

Nashville Loveless Cafe Season's Eatings Set
What is it: A $90 bucket of biscuit mix, waffle and pancake mixes, some bacon and some jams.
Do I want it: Do you know what's really easy to make from scratch? Biscuits. Know what ELSE is really easy to make? Waffles and pancakes. It's an attractive collection of food and people would probably like it fine BUT we need to stop making it seem like it's hard to do very, very easy things, like MAKING BISCUITS.

Bonnie's Jam Crate
What is it: A crate of six jams for $75. YOU GUYS. Jam - homemade jam - is a lovely thing. And I'm sure this is great jam. But I just can't wrap my brains around spending $75 on six jars of jam and a wooden crate.

Modern House Wines
What is it: der, attractive bottles of wine from Target.
Do I want it: What do YOU think? OF COURSE I DO.

Organic and Tartufo Salame Set
"Even Gayle - who claims not to like sausage..." Oprah writes, probably in complete innocence. Anyhow! Gayle, who normally does NOT like sausage, loved this sausage, and at $60 for 4, I'm certain that this sausage is delicious-enough to convert even the most dedicated non-sausage fan.

So my New Year's resolution this year is to be a nicer person, which I'm bringing up for no reason whatsoever. MOVING BRISKLY ON.

Sarabeth's Soups and Biscuits
This is three cream-of-tomato soups and six buttermilk biscuits for $42. Here is a recipe for cream-of-tomato soup. It is, I promise you, a very, very easy soup to make and costs maybe $3 to make from scratch.

Holiday Collection Tower
What is it: One of those boxes of fancy food that companies and what have you send each other, $54. Are you a corporation who is also, weirdly, a human? Here is a thing you can send your Corporation-Yet-Human friends.

Thomas Keller Black Truffle Risotto Gift Box
What is it: "If you are Rita Wilson, stop reading now." YOUR CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN RUINED, RITA WILSON! You're getting this for Christmas! Just a $500 box of stuff to make black truffle risotto and nothing else and poor Rita Wilson saying a hushed "thank you" on Christmas morning and then forlornly wondering why no one got her that copy of Just Dance 2014 she wanted.
Do I want it: I hate truffles. I hate rice. I hate risotto. I hate presents that suggest strongly that I should be doing something constructive with my time.

Fernando Pensato Pasta and Truffle-Infused Olive Oil set
YET MORE TRUFFLES. This is a $40 truffle pasta and truffle oil set. Just skip to the next item.

3 6-ounce Truffle-infused cheeses
What is it: Three 6-ounce truffle infused cheeses for $70 and here is the best line in the WHOLE GIFT GUIDE, so please brace yourself: "I'm going to slip some into the next Love Sandwich I make for Stedman."
Do I want it: LOVE SANDWICH!


This is me having my Christmas totally made. LOVE SANDWICH!

What should you get me instead? I'm fine, thank you. "Love Sandwich" was enough of a gift for me. I will now be happy until the day I die. Also I am SO proud of me for avoiding the obvious innuendo minefields of "Love Sandwich." GOOD FOR ME! Maturity, if you're curious, feels barren and cold.

Sabatino Pipcorn and Truffle Oil set
What is it: last year's "pipcorn" - agggh - and some truffle oil and truffle salt and I just so don't want any of this. $94 to disappoint me expensively.

5 Bottled Truffle Sauces
What is it: It is a set of five truffley sauces for various things - curry, barbecue. "When did I lose touch with the common people?" Oprah thinks sadly, eating a bowl of Premium Kraft Dinner with Truffle Ketchup. $55!

Adam Glassman's List
In past years, Adam Glassman's lists have been pleasant oasises of calm and loveliness, full of Things I Like but this year's list is pretty lurid and made me make the sort of dismayed face that leads STRAIGHT TO WRINKLES.

Edible Gingerbread House
What is it: A white-frosted gingerbread house kit that you can assemble and colour with food-safe markers that are, sadly, not included. $45
Do I want it: It's fine. But gingerbread house kits are only really THEORETICALLY edible - we tend to assemble on the first Sunday of Advent and by the time Christmas is over it's a dusty House Of Christmas Horror. While it's FINE, it's expensive for what it is. Most grocery stores sell versions that are completely adequate.

Incense Squares
What is it? Squares of incense for $58.
Do I want it: Nooooo
What Should You Get Me Instead:

Initial bracelet
What is it: IT IS THIS SHREKY $68 BRACELET:

The world is full of things I do not want, cheerfully enough.

Unisex Sneakers
What are they: I can't find them on the page but they are THESE $160 SHOES.

O_O

Do I want them: No. These are horrible shoes from some distopian future where we're all forced to dress like Caillou's parents and then made to RUN.


Oy! Mug
What is it:: There's no link on the page, but it's a cute $6 dreidel mug.
Do I want it: It's cute!

Agate Stone Clutches
What is it: Words fail me.

It is for, I guess, those special occasions when I want to say "alligator" but I ALSO want to say "slice of rock." $98.
Do I want it: No, I so rarely go to fancy faux-crocodile/agate-slice occasions.

Beer and BBQ Spatula
What is it: A $25 camo print spatula.
Do I want this: Nope. Horribly enough, many of my male relatives would LOVE this. It's camo print! It has a DEER ON THE METAL PART! You could use it to BBQ, the most MANLY WAY TO COOK!

Camo Towels
What is it: A $69 bath towel in a camo print. SURE. I would love a camo-themed bathroom. That sounds nice.
Do I want this: Not much.

Camp Tote
What is it IT IS YET ANOTHER CAMO THING I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT CAMO ANYMORE $68

Old Navy Peacoat
What is it it is a coat I am tired of writing about this dumb list $60 on sale for $35 buy one for all your friends!

Camo Socks
Camo socks! $20 a pair and that's all I know about them! I don't want them. CAMO.

Woman's Watch
What is it: A lovely made in the U.S. watch! Which is, tragically, $575. But it's pretty nice, if you're in the $575 watch bracket. If you are: did I tell you that you're nice and my very good friend? (sits back, waits for watch.)

Scalmandre Plates
What is it: $32 dark red zebra plates AHH MY EYES! Sadly, they have sold out. So many human beings bought these that there are no more. Humanity!
Do I want these: Too bad for me if I did but happily they're hideous and I do not.

Portable iPhone Speaker
What is it: a $60 portable iPhone speaker. It's a handsome object, I GUESS. I don't have any real feelings on it. We're getting SOMEONE this portable speaker, which is both $15 and very, very funny.

Ogon Designs Card Case
What is it: it's a bright red $69 quilted-looking business card case and blaaaah, boring. Who gets these things for Christmas? What are they LIKE?

Jill Martin Shoe and Boot Bags
What is it: 6 ugly shoe bags for $61. Merciful heavens.

Wolfum Wall Hooks
What is it: colourful quilt-patterned elk wall hooks? $38 each and I think, sometimes, that decorators are just KIDDING about this sort of thing.

Do I want them? I kind of do, I guess, but I have wretchedly bad taste, really.

Slate and Coral Pillows
What is it? It's a $120 throw pillow, which is a thing that I just don't get. It's quite pretty and shiny, which I like, at least.

Handmade Journals
$60! For a homemade paper journal! And it's a lovely object but I promise you that all of my journals degenerate into pointless list keeping (mostly recipes I want to make, which says grim and terrible things about me and my all-consuming gluttony) and there's nothing worth being written in a cute $60 book, REALLY. But if you're planning on Eat, Pray, Love-ing*, this would be the perfect book to keep your notes in.
* Don't do this.

Robyn Glaser Home Linen Napkins
Napkins! $32! And in one of those terriying Fashion People prints that I just don't get. Maybe you do. Hello! Do we have anything in common?

Toms + Tabitha Simmons Shoes
What are these? These are $124 shoes, kind of ugly/comfy and NOT a Christmas present because people don't actually buy shoes for presents, do they? Do you get shoes for Christmas? Would you like these particular shoes? I can't imagine.

Beauty Gifts
I'm skipping the "Beauty Gifts" section because it was COMPLETELY made up of me going on about how much I want all the makeup. My restraint in this area is my Christmas gift to you. I will, instead, just make some random notes:
1. Nars - I do realize that the whole point of makeup is to enhance and extend one's sexual appeal but this is subtext and your product names (Voyeur, Orgasm, Sexual Healing) make this into eye-rolling text. Having said that, I would very much like Oprah's eyeliner set, even though it costs $49.
2. If my teenager liked makeup gifts, this little $10 e.l.f. palette would be a fine stocking stuffer.
3. :"For your med-student niece who washes up to a hundred times a day..." do many of you have nieces who are both in medical school and suffering from skin-searing OCD? Costco has some nice 3 packs of hand cream for her, although maybe the poor girl could REALLY use a day to relax. I try to never go into Costco for obvious, I-Don't-Need-A-Box-Of-300-Granola-Bars reasons, though.

And that's it! That's all I can possibly say about this year's Oprah list, and my Christmas Love Sandwich to all (or most) of you. I hope you've enjoyed it.