The Horror: A Screenplay

This is my new blog. I am starting a new blog because of no good reason at all, actually. And so here we are now and it is mid-October ALREADY - good grief - and so my thoughts turn to thoughts of ghosts, of course and Halloween and creepy stories. Here's one:

Halloween One: In Which I Get What I Have Coming To Me
Scene: My house. I am sitting home alone, doing nothing of any consequence. There is a knock at my front door.

Me: I'm not home! Go AWAY! (I then continue chatting on Twitter)

Strangely familiar voice: We can see you sitting at the computer. Come to the door.

I sigh, get up and go to the door. There stands a very famous former talk show host with weight issues and a skinny blond actress in her late 30s. I quickly try to slam the door in their faces but they're too fast for me.

Talk Show Host: We want to have some words with you.

Smug Actress: Yeah. I've got a bone to pick with you.

I then start sobbing uncontrollably, picturing the actress snapping off one of her brittle bones and shanking me with it or the talk show host forcing me to talk about my feelings. Both of these scenarios strike me as equally terrifying.

Actress: You've said a lot of rude things about me over the years. You know what this makes you?

Me: Um..

Actress: THIS MAKES YOU A BAD PERSON. People who are interesting and good understand me.

Talk Show Host: Sarcasm is not helpful for public discourse, BECK. And those My Favorite Things yearly lists take a lot of work. Who doesn't love cashmere socks? Who doesn't love hand-painted dog toile trays?

Me: Well, see, that's the problem. You're both responsible for spreading some harmful, dangerous ideologies - you, Talk Show Host! You spread the idea that everyone could be happy, that everyone could have what they wanted just by WANTING it enough!  And you, Actress! You're the very epitome of entitlement and your newsletter from this week is all about how "everyone" can afford modern art!

Actress: Yes they can! Just like everyone can find time to work out!

Me: But they can't! I have friends who can't afford groceries! I have friends who work three jobs and still can't get by! The middle class is vanishing, the poor are being targeted for blame by conservative interest groups and we can't afford to indulge your professional class of Marie Antoinettes anymore! A human being's moral fiber is not dependent on the fiber in their diet. My value on a parent is less about my child's diet and entirely about the character and quality of the human being I am raising. Everyone cannot pull themselves up by their own boot straps. My wanting something does not mean I deserve it. My happiness should not come at the expense of the happiness of the people I claim to love. Very few people look good in horizontal stripes.

Talk Show Host: Get the pen and the endless reams of paper.

Actress: Oh, I am so chuffed for this!

And this is how I ended up, chained to the Sisyphean, endless task of mocking Oprah's Christmas list FOREVER.