Thursday, November 12, 2015


It's Oprah's Favourites Time Again! My goodness, time is fleeting and this list is crushingly long.

I don't think I'm right and Oprah is wrong, by the way - my posts about Oprah's lists have always only been about whether or not I want the suggested items and generally the answer is NOPE. Of course, everything is seen through the list of my own peculiarities - I hate nuts and jewelry and most perfumes and I'm allergic to pretty much everything and I much, much prefer being the parent of human children instead of dogs. These are subjective opinions and I'm okay not sharing them with everyone.

The only thing I do insist that I'm right about is that you should not give your wife a set of portion control scales for Christmas. THAT IS A BAD IDEA.

Here we go!

Cherry Pie

Hang on, going to fire up "Cherry Pie" by Warrant while I write this.

I don't buy pies, ever. Pies are easy enough to make and pretty much anyone can make a very nice pie and my oldest kid stress-bakes pies by the half dozen on weekends so pies are not an inaccessible luxury item. They're just food and there's no magic to making them and although I don't really have a frame of reference, $60 seems like a lot for a pie.

Now to turn off "Cherry Pie"by Warrant because it is a TERRIBLE song.

Custom Pet Ornaments
"The problem with the dog lovers on your list: They've already got lots of cute framed photos of their furry friends." - Oprah. IS THIS THE PROBLEM WITH THE DOG LOVERS ON MY LIST? Most of the people I know with dogs are perfectly nice, and yet I'm still not getting them an ornament in the shape of their pet with their pet's name on it.

I did scroll through the ornaments looking fore one  in the shape of a morbidly obese, surly cat (which I would have then have engraved with Penny's name) but alas.

SKITS Providence Brilliant Table and Cords Shoulder Bag
The problem with $425 bags is that you're either in the income bracket where this IS a reasonable price to pay for a purse or you're just not. And normalizing $425 as the amount that purses cost ignores the fact that for most people, this is a damaging amount to spend.
It's a nice enough bag, of course, but if I spent $425 on a purse, I'd expect it to be able to tuck me inside and walk home on its own when I'm tired. This bag can't, so I don't want it.

Modern Sprout Garden Jar Three-Pack Herb Essentials
These plants are self-watering! It was smart of houseplants to evolve to take care of themselves since I've managed to kill every houseplant I have ever owned because I forget to water them. So now someone can give me the gifts of three glass jars and seeds for FIFTY BUCKS. Whoop-dee-doo.

ED On Air Prelit Marquee Word with rustic metal finish
Oh hey, this is by Ellen. Ellen's so affable and nice but the reviews on this are really poor, which I wish Oprah had checked before she put this on her list. Also, I am super over Words As Art, and wish they would go Live Love Laugh someplace far, far away.

Material Girl puffer vests
The word "puffer" seems to be an easy shorthand for "grievously unflattering" and yet "freezing to death" is also "grievously unflattering." So now the torso of your giftee can be warm and grievously unflattered in either gold, silver or rose gold, which either appeals to you or it doesn't, I guess.

Family Jammies

1. I hate cutesy words like "jammies", "veggies" and "undies." I hate this with a skin-crawling horror. STOP IT! TALK LIKE AN ADULT!
2. And YET nothing would make me feel more festive than the look of dawning horror on my teenagers' faces when everyone opens their MATCHING CHRISTMAS JAMMIES. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME!

This is one of those wearable fitness trackers.
Christmas is - and it makes me sad that this is something that needs saying but anyhow - Christmas is not an ideal time to really passive-aggressively criticize a loved one with a gift that screams "I think you're fat and need to work out more, lardo." This present is a BAD IDEA. Your loved one will not thank you. Do not buy this as a gift.
Also, Never Give The Following
1. Unrequested diet books
2. Unrequested workout DVDs
3. Unrequested gym memberships.
... and so on. An easy thing to remember, when giving a gift, is to ask yourself "Does this gift in any way imply that I think my beloved's body is bad and shameful and needs fixing?". Should the answer be yes, PUT THAT GIFT BACK.

Hesperides Grapefruit Bath & Shower Gel and Body Lotion set
It took me many years to figure out what the connecting factors were in perfumes that I like. I like perfumes with musk, white floral and warm citrus notes, which doesn't seem like something that I should be finally realizing at 43, but there you have it. Which is a long-winded way of saying that I will never smell like Oprah, who seems to like cool citrus and herbal notes. Should you know someone who also likes cool citrus and herbal notes here is a $43 set of bath gel and lotion for them.

Letters To My... Keepsake Books
So. This is a book of 12 fill-in-the-blank letters that your beloved is then supposed to fill out and mail to you, thus giving them The Gift Of Enforced Expression Of Feelings. People LOVE that! By all means get one of these for your husband and I will sit here in the corner, snickering.
(Actually, Oprah suggests getting them and filling them out for your partner but my idea is funnier.)

NYC Weekender

This is hideous, like a rippling boring-coloured caterpillar or some other segmented, yucky tube-shaped bug that only comes in tasteful neutrals.

The Ultimate Lacquer Wardrobe
Fancy nail polishes! Wouldn't this be splendid to get? Isn't it incredibly unlikely that someone will get me $150 in nail polish? Yes and yes.

IMAX Confetti Three-Piece Book-Box Set

"Oh boy! Books!" Beck rips open the package and then sits there, sad and confused, as the books open to reveal nothingness, much like life itself. - Scene from my upcoming play, Bad Christmas Present.
You know what IS a splendid Christmas present? BOOKS I ACTUALLY WANT.

Skandia Talvi Knife Block Set
I am superstitious enough* to never, ever give knives as a present because that would, of course, permanently sever our relationships THROUGH MAGIC.
*I'm very superstitious. I should probably be ashamed of this but I am not, human nature being what it is.

Andre walker hair Experience Kit
It's a travel pack of nice hair things. It's fine. Thinking of witty things to say about Oprah-list products I like is a terrible burden, and more than once I've stumbled across discussions on friends' Facebook pages ABOUT THIS LIST where THEIR  friends said I'm not as funny as I used to be, which is an odd sort of thing to read about myself. But being snarky about perfectly nice things is very very hard, and I welcome them to try it.

LuMee Case
A phone case that lights up so you can take really good selfies. Hm. My oldest child has a phone-protecting Otter Box and REALLY loves it and it cost about this much, so I guess this is a fine thing for the teen you know who REALLY loves taking selfies. I have, obviously, no moral ground here.

Thomas Keller's Ad Hoc Salt Cellar
$49 for Thomas Keller's 3 favourite salts in a cute wooden box with a pig on it. Uhhh, I can't decide what I think about this. It's fine and nice and also ridiculous? I would be delighted if I got it but I also would be worried that you don't know how money works.

I Love Sundays Oversized V-Neck Comfy
This is a sweatshirt that costs nearly $100, which always strikes me as a lot to pay for sweatshirts which are, by their very nature, schlubby.
Also: what sort of sicko LOVES Sundays? Sundays are the early-to-bed, last dying gasp of the weekend and no fun at all.

Barbie Fashionistas

Hey Barbie! I love Barbie. I love these Barbie dolls and have no time for anti-Barbie thinkpieces written by cheerful-doll-hating buzzkills. I am also delighted that these Barbies are only $10.

Hakuho-do + Sephora Pro Kan Kabe Perfection Brush Set
"I think this is a fancy set," writes Oprah and my gracious, it is. One hundred and ninety eight dollars!
Of course I love it, being who I am, but it's expensive.

High Camp Vine and Bloom Box
A box of gardenias, black calla lilies and purple orchids and this is also pretty fancy. I can't imagine giving a box of nearly two hundred dollars in flowers - and I also really don't like gardenias - but I don't know your life. Perhaps you and your friends regularly exchange large boxes of gloomily beautiful flowers and then languish about, like gorgeous but bored lovesick vampires in a fairly unwatchable Jim Jarmusch film. If this is your life, here is a nice box of flowers for you.

T-Fal OptiGrill
A dishwasher-safe grill! That's kind of spiffy. We love our grill, for what's that worth, and this looks very nice. It is, as I mentioned, REALLY hard to be funny when you think something is fine and also unremarkable.

Sliced-Sapphire Earrings
I think these look like halved beetles, but it's fine that Oprah and I don't agree on earrings. All the more for her.

Park Avenue Faux-Fur Pet Jacket in Chinchilla


GapFit Motion Pullover Hoodie and Colorblock Motion gFast Pants
$65 and $70
Did the person you're shopping for ASK for work-out clothes for Christmas? Then here are some nice (I suppose.They're both very green.) work-out clothes for them. Did they NOT ask for work-out clothing? Do you want to passive-aggressively suggest that you think they should work out more? Why are you so mean?

Fujifilm Instax Share Smartphone Printer
This is kind of cool - it makes Polaroid-style printed pictures from photos taken with your phone. Of course, for less than it costs you can buy an actual little instant camera. My oldest kid has one of those and if you have a teenage girl, those are a LOT of fun. The pictures the little camera takes are tiny and I think the printer makes proper-sized photos, so I guess it's your call.

Vicki Saywer Wild & Wooly 7" porcelain appetizer plates
These are so weird and I kind of love them. I've always loved oddball china, and these are delightfully silly.

Present Perfect Freesia & Waterlily: The Complete Collection
"Could somebody please give me this for Christmas?" writes Oprah and I find this so wistful that I'm scraping together $126 to send this to her. Freesia and waterlily, by the way, are among my least favourite scents for bath products. Ew.

Arlington Milne Large Wallets
This is the kind of useful, thoughtful and thoroughly dull gift that I despair of getting. Please don't give me a wallet.
Edited to add: I read a draft of this to someone and they disagreed with this entry VERY MUCH. They received a wallet as a gift last year and LOVED IT. I am alone in the world.

7R Global Carry-On Spinner
$650, $750, $850
Oprah herself notes that these wheeled suitcases are pricey, and she's right, but if you travel a lot, you probably do need solid luggage. Spending money on things that will make hard parts of your life easier is a good idea.

Your Drawing As Foil Art Print
$120 to $447
Letterpressed, foil-pressed or standard art prints of your child's art and my gracious, that's quite a bit of money to spend on your child's drawings and I say this as a mother who has her children's art framed around her house. I find the idea of gilding your children's art fairly off-putting, in the same way I find mothers who always refer to their daughters as "their princess" off-putting. I think that my children's art is perfectly nice on its own and no further embellishments are needed, and I think the same thing about my children themselves. Fully loved! Good enough!

African American Literature and Ernest Hemingway Elephant Sets

Juniper Books makes the most gorgeous book sets I have EVER EVER seen and I could easily spend myself into serious financial hardship just on Jane Austen sets alone. The Oprah sets are ALSO lovely and if I had $395, I'd get the Hemingway set for my dad, since Ernest Hemingway is the Official Author of Dads.

Women's Expedition Down Parka
It's a very nice parka and I could USE a new parka - especially the navy one. That is what you may consider a "hint." (i.e. a direct request) Although I am allergic to down, so don't get me this one.

Teavana Oprah Chai Steep Good Thoughts Set
I do like cute teapot and mug sets and chai is one of my very favourite things and this is obvious from the punishing number of teapots and interesting tins of chai I currently have cluttering up my kitchen so probably I don't need any more until I break some of my current collection.

360 Cookware 6-Piece Stainless Steel Set
Does anyone actually get $450 pots for Christmas? HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED? I'm sure they're lovely pots but I think the whole scenario of receiving pricey pots for Christmas is fictional, and strictly the territory of made-up husbands who don't quite GET why their storybook wives look so sad on Christmas morning.

p.s. Don't get your wife pots for Christmas.

Moroccan Long Scarf in Antique Mustard

Oh boy, mustard! The colour of baby poop and the 1970s, decade of dusty macrame and grody orgies  and NEVER EVER the colour of my scarves. Change the colour*, though, and it's lovely. I love a good fluffy scarf.
*acceptable colours, in declining order: Black, grey, purple, ivory, blue, possibly a very soft, gentle pink. That's IT.

Little Creature Boots
Fluffy-wool lined animal boots for kids and my youngest daughter SHRIEKED when she saw them so they are obviously AMAZING.

Beats by Dr. Dre Powerbeats2 Wireless Active Collection in-ear headphones
Two hundred dollar earbuds! It's a risky move, since the lifespan of earbuds is a fleeting, danger-filled thing. These are apparently a very good under-$20 earbud, should you not be in the $200 earbud class.

Black Titanium Five-Piece Set

$60 or $300 for 20 piece set with storage tray
My mom admired these as she flipped through the magazine, which is a whole new side to my mother that I never knew about. Huh. I can't reconcile the mom I know with a love of dramatic black flatwear.

Melange Drawstring Sweatpants
Pricey sweat-clothing BOGGLES MY MIND. The word "SWEAT" is IN THE VERY NAME! Throwing money at it doesn't suddenly make you look like you're not depressed if you're out in public in sweatpants. Having said that, these are pretty nice, even if I am incredibly unlikely to spend CLOSE TO TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS on a PAIR OF SWEATPANTS.

Boxed Letterpressed Coaster
Has anyone in the history of the world opened up a box of coasters and had their heart leap with joy? The answer is no, of course not. I can see contexts where coasters are an appropriately indifferent gift (mostly at workplace gift exchanges, I'd imagine) and coasters are ALWAYS on gift suggestion lists and yet NO ONE LIKES THEM. It's a mystery!

21-Day Meditation Transcendence Trio


 I don't want this to such a life-affirming extent that it feels delightful simply not to own it.

What I do want, however, is this and now I have put it out into the universe and it will surely come to me. Magic!

Personalization Strap Key Rings
"Your plain Jane rolling suitcase can stand out from the baggage carousel crowd when adorned with this beautiful leather luggage tag," writes Oprah, master of hyperbole, because this is a plain leather loop and so boring that I burst into tears when I got to this part of the list and realized how much longer I have to go.

Play 5
A lovely wireless speaker and my very favourite thing on the most boring page of gift suggestions, which started with the mom-approved flatwear and goes all the way to the odd shot glasses. It's $500, though, so there's no way I'm getting it.

Animal Shot Glass Holiday Collection

$80 for 5
LOOK AT THESE THINGS. They are JUST the angular, slightly satanic-looking gift for the supervillian on your gift list. I don't currently know any supervillains, but my middle child promises that he might be the kind of computer genius who eventually goes bad. If this does happen, I will both despair AND get him these shot glasses for his evil lair's bar cart.

Oprah suggests giving these with a bottle of tequila, and ever since she wrote about fine sipping tequila a few years back, I've been giving people bottles of tequila and requesting that they sip some in front of me. This gets a mixed reception.

Oprah's Favourites Lip Gloss Set
Thank goodness I'm on a new page now. These are very nice! I have nothing sarcastic to say about them. Lovely. Moving on.

iPhone 6 Plus and Watch Sport 38 mm rose gold aluminum case with lavender sports band
$749, $349
Normally I'd worry about spending so much money on something that is going to go out of fashion as quickly as rose gold will certainly do, but since iPhones become obsolete almost instantly, my concerns are moot.

Philips Avance Pastamaker
My oldest child - the piemaker mentioned earlier - also likes to make pasta and roll it out by hand. This has nothing to do with this expensive pasta maker, which I'm sure is fine, but it's more fun to brag about my kid then to than to endlessly write about luxury goods that I do not want.

Layflat Photo Album
"Gayle went gaga" over these, the description starts, which is both descriptive AND a fun tongue-twister. I like giving photo books to the kids' great-grandmothers, who already have enough of everything else.

Golden Rabbit Enamelware Swirl Roasting Sets
The word "Rabbit" in this roasting pan's name keeps throwing me. Am I to roast rabbits in it? I mean, that's FINE - I'm sure rabbits would be tasty roasted... having read the description, it's meant for lasagna. That's a bit of a let-down. I was hoping that roasted rabbits would be this year's Love Sandwich but alas.

Peace Love Oprah Fleece Zip Hoodies
The front says "LOOK AHEAD IN A NEW DIRECTION" which is good advice. WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING. I don't particularly want these, but maybe you do.

Creative Co-Op Stoneware Mini Bakers

Oh my gosh, those are adorable. Making wee individual shepherd's pies for everyone is EXACTLY the sort of thing I enjoy wasting my time on and also exactly why more high-minded people despair of me ever making something of myself.

Foot Treatment Gift Set
I find this expensive for what it is: cream, soaking salts and socks - but nice footcare products are both pleasant to own AND disturbing to receive as gifts. I mean, I'd happily use it but I'd also wonder what you were saying about my feet and perhaps this is more about me being really touchy. Hm.

Personalized Large Vertical and Round Cutting Boards
"For a yummy girt, I would load up these personalized cutting boards... with an assortment of cheese and salamis," writes Oprah and I am making a very Homer Simpson-esque doughnut noise right now because I pretty much would love the cheese and salami aspect of this, while remaining coolly indifferent to having my name on a cutting board.

The Color Purple on Broadway tickets
This would be a fine, thoughtful gift for a friend who is able to attend.


My children love playing with Siri to a distressing extent and I have to wander away from my computer to be annoyed at the VERY MEMORY of this, so obviously what we REALLY need is a permanently-on Siri installed in the middle of our living room that my children could pester FOREVER. BUT ALAS! This is not available in Canada. Woe.

Women's Cashmere Aran Turtleneck and Men's Cashmere Cable Crew
$369, $398
If you're going to spend close to $400 on a cashmere sweater for me - and please don't do this, I'm too much of a Calvinist to ever enjoy it - please do not get me a bulky and unflattering turtleneck fisherman's sweater. No, get me a black trim v-neck sweater so I can look really fetching as I am racked with undeserving guilt.

"It may look like a regular water bottle," writes Oprah, "But when Adam told me this triple insulated stainless steel vessel... is the perfect size to tote a carafe's worth of rosé , I was sold!"

Icons Gift Box

These are 2 pounds of chocolate in the shape of gilded religious icons and they cost $120. What is with Oprah and her desire to have people eat religious statuary? Does anyone else find this as off-putting as I do?

Sonic Snow Tubes
Did you know that Oprah has a sledding hill at her Telluride house, and if you visited her, you could use these plaid snow tubes for sliding? Doesn't that sound nice? It does! Much nicer than eating blasphemous chocolates, by a long shot.

Typhoon Vision Electronic Scales

This is LITERALLY a way to restrict the amount of food that goes into your loved one's mouth. Hey, wanna know what's not in any way loving? Giving someone a gift that says "YOU NEED TO RESTRICT HOW MUCH FOOD YOU PUT IN YOUR MOUTH." And yes, maybe they DO need to restrict the amount of food they put in their mouths. Christmas Day is NOT THE DAY to deal with this.
Now, maybe the person on your list SPECIFICALLY ASKED for this and in that case, by all means, but maybe get them something fun to go with it, too, because portion control scales as a Christmas present seems MUCH TOO EMOTIONALLY LOADED.

American Beagle Outfitters Antler Beanie
"Dog owners love when you love their dogs," writes Oprah, and dream on, dog lovers! At best I will find your dog bearable but it's far more likely that I'll find your dog annoying and wish fervently that it was spending my visit romping in a nice yard or napping in another room or living on a faraway farm with a gentle, soft-headed farmer. The only dog I feel any degree of affection for is my parent's hard-working Border Collie, Buddy, and I have too much respect for him to get him a silly reindeer hat. I'm getting Buddy a nice box of dog treats instead because he's a GOOD BOY.

Pave Birthstone Stacking Rings
$22 each or $48 for 3
I linked to the peridot ring - my birthstone - to show my primary issue with birthstone jewelry, which is namely that the peridot looks like a shiny booger and is never included in any non-birthstone jewelry for that very reason. These are, I say very grudgingly, nice enough.


"I told my therapist about you"? Get me a nightshirt that says that and I'll be crying quietly all Christmas morning - or even worse, nobly pretending to be brave about having hurt feelings. Festive! Mean humour is a great way to openly insult the person you're obligated to give a present to but don't like, and this shirt is a great way to be really nasty at Christmas. Perhaps you should not do this.

Coltellerie Berti cheese Knife Set in Red Lucite
"Pair it with the recipient's favorite cheese for a truly personal gift." I think the issue here is how each of us defines the word "personal," which apparently now means "3 expensive knives and some cheese." Do I think a selection of my favourite cheeses is a good gift? MY GRACIOUS, YES. Feel free to skip the knives. I'd like us to stay friends.

Special Edition Keith Haring Mia 2 in Dance, Love and Pop
A Clarisonic face brush printed with the art of late artist, Keith Haring.
Three things that Keith Haring was passionate about
1. AIDS awareness and research
2. The non-marginalization of gay sexuality
3. Rich ladies having really clean pores.
Finally! A product that brings all 3 together!

In all fairness, these raise money for very worthwhile causes and if the person on your list really wants a Clarisonic brush, this is a fine one but I still find using artists' works in contexts like this off-putting.

VertuoLine Evoluo Esoresso and Coffee Maker
"There are pod people, and there are espresso people, and never the twain shall meet," writes Oprah.
Pod people!

Love Letter Keychains

Well, that's cute. My mom, who is wise, always keeps her keys on a Daffy Duck keychain, so she can easily find them in her purse by finding Daffy's little splayed legs. I imagine a big pompom would easily serve the same purpose and would make a nice stocking stuffer.

Kristin Classic Slim Ugg Boots
They're UGGs, although they're not as strongly Goodbye To Sex! as most Uggs. My main concern with them is the "subtle wedge" which seems to strongly contradict my primary goal in winter, which is to not wipe out on the ice.  It's no good looking tall if I'm laying on my butt in the snow, IS IT.

Women's Touch Sensor Fleece Gloves
They're fleece gloves in cute colours and that's all I can think of to say about them.

Maison Pebeyre Truffle Set
"Anyone who knows me knows I love my truffles," writes Oprah. I feel like that about the Big Turk chocolate bar and yet I'm still unlikely to gift all of my loved ones with them because a) I'm greedy and b) they're leaden souls who do not appreciate the subtle deliciousness of the Big Turk chocolate bar and so it is with truffles, which are yucky.

Ginger Syrup and Ginger Infused Honey Gift Set
Ginger has "healthful benefits"? THIS IS AMAZING NEWS. Now, while I'm burning my sinuses out eating a whole bag of ginger candy in one go, I can totally justify it to myself under the all-important umbrella of Good Health. Hooray!

Giant and Signature Turtle Baskets
$500 and $90
15 pounds - FIFTEEN POUNDS - of chocolate turtles in a 5 pound edible basket? That sounds like one of those ancient Roman recipes for suicide. Eat two pounds of salt! Eat 20 pounds of turtles!

Beyond that, who WANTS this? Would't they get all dusty and nasty before you ate half of them? Wouldn't you get profoundly sick of chocolate turtles and of life itself?

Gift Set of Six Artisan Cheeses
These sounded delicious until I read that they're made of raw cows milk and now I must say no thank you because I like pasteurization.

Elvis Drizzle Cake

This cake has a lot going on - it's a vanilla cake with banana custard and peanut butter buttercream and chocolate ganache and PICK ONE THING AND GO WITH THAT, CAKE. I feel the same thing about complicated cakes that I feel about complicated men: no thank you. I like my men (all one of them) to be cheerful and easily understood and THE SAME GOES FOR CAKES.

A&B American Style Three-Pack of Original, with Garlic, and More Heat
A three-pack of hot sauce and I actually have someone in my life who would ADORE this. People who like hot sauce REALLY like hot sauce, I find.

Best Wishes Steak Banquet
Good gracious - 6 steaks, 6 fancy stuffed baked potatoes and 6 chocolate molten lava cakes? I think much of my household would weep with sheer pleasure to get this because we are a simple people and this sounds PERFECT. Of course, this comes with the SERIOUS caveat to make sure that your gift recipient is a red-meat eating non-vegetarian but that's my only concern.

Square One Vodka 5 Pack
Imagine getting a 5 pack of flavoured vodkas for Christmas. I mean, it would be nice if you could drink vodka (I can't and neither can a lot of people that I know), but even if you could, wouldn't it be a shade strange to be given so much vodka in one go?

Chelsea Market Baskets Torres Black Truffle Chip Basket
"I discovered these potato chips in Spain this summer," writes Oprah and I've spent my life rapidly alienating people as quickly as I can and yet even I know that saying that you found your favourite kind of truffle potato chips while on holiday in Spain is a mite alienating.

Challah Menorah

My thoughts about this are fully expressed by this excellent, five-star review: "Oprah agrees; nothing beats a Menorah artistically handcrafted using the subtle shapes of intertwining bread penises."

Ilvento's Proprio Italiano Doppio Delizioso Basket
Every year, my review of the Oprah list winds down with me hungrily liking everything on the last bit of it, because that's where she keeps the food suggestions and I am always STARVING. Still, pasta sauces and pasta aren't precisely luxury items and I don't generally give groceries as gifts.

Pappas Seafood Co. signature crab cakes
"Stedman can't get enough of these," apparently, and there is the lone appearance of my favourite man of mystery in the whole list. I've never eaten a crab cake so you'll have to let me know how much I'm missing out.

Gourmet Jam Set
Fancy jams are a nice enough sort of thing to give to people you don't know very well, and I'm sure these are fine. If you make jam, that's an even BETTER gift, of course.

Oprah Bruffin Bundle
$85 for 12 muffins! It's a deal!
Muffins - and I say this more in sadness than in anger - are not hard to make. They are very, very easy. If you're so rich that money is now only an abstract concept: here are some muffins. They cost an apparently random amount of money and are possibly made of gold.

11 pound panforte wheel
It's full of nuts! Nothing makes a baked good like throwing in handfuls of gross nuts so I can pretend that I'm chewing on a mouthful of nasty gravel. And although food gifts seem like an inoffensive, safe thing to give people you don't know very well, a lot of people - like me - are SUPER allergic to nuts OR wisely just hate nuts (also like me) so probably skip the nuts in baked goods for people unless you know for sure that they can eat them.

Xocolatti Tower
Well, these are expensive but nice and with "unexpected" flavours like mango paprika and rose almond, I can have a really fun time playing food allergy roulette.

AND I AM DONE! I am at my very favourite part of the year, the part where I am the longest length of time away from having to write this wretched list for A WHOLE YEAR! I AM SO HAPPY! And I hope you and your family are as well. Merry Christmas! Happy holidays!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Other Jobs I Could Have Had

Another old post from my old blog! CHEERFULLY ENOUGH, I NO LONGER HOMESCHOOL ANYONE! The final example is MY ACTUAL LIFE NOW! HOOOORAY!

Other Possible Fates

There is always, of course, this lingering and somewhat wistful feeling that there are other paths that one's life could have taken, another person we could have been if only we had made some different choice at some crucial moment. It is a bittersweet sort of feeling, really. And so, let me present: Different Possible Careers I Might Have Had.

Sarcastic High School English Teacher
"Oh really, Mr. Jones," I said. "I am so interested in hearing more about how Lord of the Flies is crap. Please come up to the front of the class and explain it to everyone."

I stand cross-armed and skeletal - sarcastic high school English teachers are a thin breed, harrowed out, perhaps, by their contempt for the thousands of jocks who should be rightfully sweeping the high school hallways and not going on to cushy post-University jobs.

"Soon, Rebecca! SOON," I whisper to myself. "Class is almost over and then there is vodka and Jude the Obscure to numb the pain."

Plucky Girl Detective
My handgun sank to the bottom of the lake as did the safe full of clues and the body of the greasy hitman sent to stop me from getting to the police. But I was alive, having escaped the burning car plummeting over the ravine into the icy lake in a hailstorm of bullets.

Suddenly an arm reached down into the water - a strong, sexy arm - and pulled me to safety.
I lay, gasping, and gradually my rescuer came into view. It was Juan, my Brazilian-American third ex-husband and former partner. Even half-drowned, half-frozen and with a bullet in my arm, I was painfully aware of the still-crackling sexual tension between us.

"What took you so long, baby?" I said. And then I passed out.

The World's Most Talented Ballerina
I am the world's most famous ballerina and I also look really excellent with all of my hair pulled back. Tonight is my most important performance. I dance the lead roles in Coppelia, Sleeping Beauty AND The Nutcracker and everyone agrees that I am the greatest ballerina ever. The crowd goes wild, standing and cheering. Everyone from my grade 2 class is there. They all feel really bad that they didn't realize how cool I was back in grade 2.

"If only we had all pretended to be brave WWII nursing dogs that one time like she wanted!" they weep.

Sensible Mother With Three Children In School
"So long!" I said, waving to them from the front porch. "Have a good day! See you later!"

They all march off, grumbling. I chortle merrily to myself and head back into the child-free warmth of my house where I am working on my masterwork, tenatively entitled "Me And Magnum Driving Around In A Dune Buggy."

Friday, November 14, 2014


Does thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale? (Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)

WHAT A CRAPPY YEAR THIS HAS BEEN. All 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse are galloping around at full tilt and everyone is broke and anxious and OH LOOK! It's almost Christmas again! Which means that I will now write my fingers into bloody stubs, writing about Oprah's yearly over-the-top O List.

Oprah was the first of the Extravagant Ladies Gift Lists that I was aware of but now that there are many pretenders to her throne (I MEAN GOOP), Oprah's list still remains my favourite - no one else has the right mix of well-meant disconnect, objects I can't imagine anyone ever wanting, and actual charm. And she looks amazing on the cover, too.

Now that I've said some nice things, let us proceed to this year's list.

Right off the bat: Golden Beats Headphone and Beats Pill Speaker Set. They're $700! They're gold (-coloured)!
Seven hundred dollar gold headphones (and a speaker)! This sounds like something I should object to COMPLETELY, but eh. My quite expensive headphones make my life delightful. Have fun with your gold headphones, Marie Antoinette. I wonder how that's going to work out for you.

Big O Key Ring $55 and Ossential and Big Ossential Card Cases $65 and $75 each
It's a bracelet that has a dangling card case and a keychain on it. I thought it was a good idea in a please-don't-give-me-this-for-Christmas sort of way when I thought the whole thing was $55 but it's actually $125. Can you imagine getting this for Christmas? "Thank you," you'd whisper in hushed tones while everyone else opened up books and video games and Lego sets and you had a thing to hold your keys and your bank card while you jogged. Being an adult is AMAZING.

What I Know For Sure by Oprah Winfrey $25
If I had written a book of my collected wisdom (1. Living off candy is a bad idea. 2. It's easy to wash your dishes before they pile up but I still probably won't. 3. If you start writing novelty posts goofing about Oprah's Christmas Gift list, people will expect you to keep doing it until you are dead.) and I ALSO was writing a list of my suggested gift items for this year, you may be certain that I would put my book of wisdom on my list.

Ginger Beauty and Wellness Collection $265
Here we have ginger powder, ginger body scrub and ginger bath soak.
First off: my gracious, I do love ginger. I'm not sure if I want to rub ginger all over me, but I would still declare myself to be a ginger FAN. I frequently buy nubby ginger roots and powdered ginger and ginger tea, even, and yet I still doubt that my total lifetime expenditure of ginger adds up to $265.
Second: you know what your genitals do not want? To be steeped in ginger, probably.

French Bistro Coffee Mug $120 for set of 4
Handmade coffee mugs in frog belly green. One of the reasons we started mass-producing mugs was because the actual fair cost of hand-crafting a nice mug probably IS about $30 and yet I'd probably still break it within two weeks.

No Matchy-Matchy Initial Stud Earrings $80 per earring without diamonds, $150 with diamonds
These make "a perfect present for the teen on your list," writes Oprah. And since most teens I know have MULTIPLE ear piercings, you can very expensively spell out whole words!

Deluxe Gardenia Vine and Bloom Box $189
... okay, as far as I can tell, it's a box of fresh gardenias. Which is alright, I guess. I hate the smell of gardenias, and this seems like a lot of money but maybe you're both rich and fond of stinky flowers.

Sheepy Fleece Robe $84
"This is fantastic for $84!" said Oprah. $84 is not a bargain robe. For the vast majority of people, $84 is an expensive robe. An $84 robe SHOULD BE NICE BECAUSE IT IS EXPENSIVE. Still, it does come in a variety of pleasant colours, unlike most robes which are either white or terrible shades of burgundy.

Moscow Mule Tray and Six Mug Set $365
What is a Moscow Mule? Why does it need such expensive copper mugs? This is a lot of money. And yet the website is a coppery delight to look through, so I suggest that, although probably not while drinking a Moscow Mule, whatever that is.

Classic Plain Travel Collection $289

Petal Lane "Be Bright" and "Surprise and Delight" Magnet Boards $65
Is a magnet board's earnest exhortations really going to change someone's innate character? The delightful tend to be delightful and the glum tend to be glum and I don't think being cheerful is always appropriate, anyhow. Still, a cute magnet board might be a nice thing to put up in a teenager's room, although these are on the impractically expensive side.

Comfort Zone Body Butter Trio $93 or $15 to $56 each
The whole SET is expensive but two of the body butters are actually affordable, if someone on your list needs/wants something like that. I struggle with really dry skin so I have nothing all that snarky to say about good moisturizers.

Yoga Tablet 2 Pro $500
This is... fine? It has a projector built into it, which is kind of cool. What I'm finding totally distracting though is that it was developed by Ashton Kutcher. When did he become an innovative captain of industry? This is like when I found out that Jessica Simpson was a billionaire because of her fashion line and life is an unsolvable mystery, never to be understood.

Kate Spade Refillable Ballpoint Pens $36
Kate Spade is really great at a certain kind of restrained, tasteful and expensive adult whimsy that I really don't enjoy much. This is a case in point: it's a refillable, somewhat expensive pen so it's ADULT but it's colourful so it's WHIMSICAL and it's also not much fun because we're GROWN-UPS now and a blue and green pen is about as much of  good time as we're going to get.

Heart Snapshot Mix Photo Art - $42 with frame
This is genuinely a great idea, I think, and probably just the thing for the Grandmas on your gift list.

Footnanny Wellness Gift Set $144
If this was - half the price? No, then it would still be $72. - if this was maybe $45, this would be a tremendous present but as it is, it's only for rich people. And I don't know, but giving people foot care gifts seems a bit odd to me. Maybe your sister complains a lot about her feet, and then it would be a thoughtful choice, but if it's someone you have a romantic relationship with, "Please fix your feet" seems like a dangerous gift-giving path.

Nate Berkus at Target Dessert Plate Set $20
These are pretty cute. I don't tend to give anyone dessert plates, and strongly suspect this is not actually an item given as a gift, but it's affordable and attractive.

Lacquered Box To Hold Your Glasses $250
WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? Who has that many glasses? Who needs a $250 box to keep them all in?

Vineyard Cuff Links $68
Perhaps you wear shirts with cuffs or perhaps a guy in your life does and I can't quite imagine this but it happens and these are alright, certainly. There are a lot of colour options, which is good news for your formal shirt-wearing friend.

Lurin Long Pajama Set $155
Every year - every year! - Oprah adds perfectly fine, very tasteful pajamas to her list and they're fine. They're great. They're also expensive.
But these are the greatest pajamas ever:

They're from Marks, they're about as sexy as wearing a fleece bear costume, they cost $40 and they are AMAZING.

Oprah Chai Set $90
Every year, there's one thing on Oprah's list that I quietly pine for and this year, this is it. How I long for this, with its glass prettiness that I would almost certainly break and ruin.

Morelle and Co. Pullout Jewelry Box $135
This is like a colourful version of one of those old-timey train boxes, and might be a fun gift for someone who really likes jewelry and who is not me.

Ultimate Welcome Home Basket $125
JIMMY KIMMEL, I KNOW WHAT OPRAH IS GIVING YOUR BABY. And this is actually a rather dreamy baby present - all soft colours and pretty baskets and lots of little wee things and hang on, I'm going to go broodily rock the cat for a while while weeping.

Edward Bess Black Sea Precious Pearl Perfector $78
There is just something about the idea of rich aging ladies rubbing ground-up pearls on their faces that... okay, I'm stopping this here. You're reading this for fun.

Our aging faces are not a problem. Giving someone a jar of $78 face cream IS problematic. Don't ever, ever do this.

Lafco Complete Holiday Candle Collection $240 for set of 4
GEE WHIZ, these are expensive candles. One thing I've found in my discussions with friends is that husbands, as a group, tend to be unreasonably irritated by those very nice $30 candles in jars. Spending $240 on 4 candles just seems unnecessarily husband-goading.

Star Map Necklaces $48
On the plus side, these are reasonably priced and quite pretty and wearing a subtle astrological star map isn't quite the same as wearing, let's say, a magnet bracelet. Still, if you're a grown-up and you wear astrological jewelry, I worry somewhat about you.

Le Creuset French Oven $280 French Oven $65 Baking Dish $65 Au Gratin Dish $60
One time I found a Le Creuset pot at a yard sale for TWENTY FIVE CENTS. I was so delighted! Bill was delighted because he'd heard they were unbreakable. They are not, it turns out.

Warby Parker Eyeglasses and Sunglasses $95 to $395 each
BILL HAS GLASSES JUST LIKE THIS. These are fine, attractive, Bill-pleasing glasses and a commendable cause but does anyone ever anywhere give another person glasses for Christmas? Is this a thing people do?

Electra Lot 7D Ladies Bike $550
While I can't find the Ladies Bikes anywhere on this page, they do seem quite nice. Of course, I already know which bike I want - THIS ONE:

Jessica Fletcher, by the way, would never have dreamed of rubbing a cream made of ground up pearls on her face. Let's age more like Jessica Fletcher, Fictional Lady.

Victorinox Swiss Army Works Traveler 20-inch Dual Caster Expandable Carry-On $350, Wheeled Large Capacity Duffle $370 27-inch Dual Caster Expandable Upright $440
The set listed on Oprah's list are in her favourite shade of what I find to be unattractively lurid green, but the set comes in many colours and I'm sure is dandy.

Custom Portrait Dog Beds $445 to $710

Most years, I would just find this hilariously unnecessary.
I know you love your pets.
And I know suffering humanity will always be with us and I know that an argument could be made - and it's one I make myself, a lot - that anything other than the basics are an unnecessary luxury and so why get ANYTHING? But the difference between this and almost everything else on this list is that your dog LITERALLY does not care Your dog does not want or need this and it will not make your dog happier.

And you know, I don't think in any way that I should get any sort of say in anything you do. Maybe you do a lot of active good in this world and this is the one thing that will make you happier than anything and maybe you are Oprah herself, who has certainly given far more than I will ever be able to and in that case it's fine and dandy but your dog still does not care. My dad's dog loves sleeping on my dad's workjacket and that is his idea of perfect bliss and it costs nothing.

Let's keep moving.

Character Hats $40
Aren't those cute? Those are so cute. I wish I could get them for my kids.

Tory Burch Reva Watch $395
Ah, Tory Burch. Another one of those tasteful, expensive, preppy-type designers. Either you like this aesthetic or you are me. And I think watches are, by their very nature, completely boring. But this is probably fine, if you are wealthy and like watches and good taste and can't think of something better to do with $400.

Charlie V-Neck $214 for set of 3
Follow me as I go on an emotional journey with these shirts:
1. That's expensive for three long sleeve shirts. No.
2. They're for a charity? Huh, what charity is that?
3. AGH they're raising money so pets can stay with their dying owners?
4. *donates all my money so I never have to think about this again*

Fancy Notebooks $14 to $22 each
Spiffy notebooks or agendas that you can personalize - picking the pattern and monogram styles and I designed this one for myself that says everything about me:
Mainly that I am Canadian and named Beck and that I like both fun stationary products and things with my name on them. WHAT MORE COULD THERE BE?

Alena Ugg Slippers $120
Mentioning that these are ugly is beside the point, because of course they're ugly. They look immensely comfortable and I worry, personally, that if I was given something like this, I would forswear regular footwear and just walk around with my feet in hideous, pillow-like, desire-quenching comfort forever.

VertuoLine Single Serve Brewer and Espresso Maker $430
My favourite recent grifter is whatever clever huckster convinced everyone that those little expensive freeze-dried coffees in their enviromentally-crappy pods are substantially better than instant coffee and that it is then ALSO reasonable  to ALSO buy $430 machines to use with them. How did this happen? I feel like the guy yelling at the army trucks at the end of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers.

I know that most people disagree with me about this. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

White Fake Fur Velvet Lined Hooded Coat $499
OPRAH LOOKS AMAZING IN THIS and I would also like one. I could swan around like whatshername in Doctor Zhivago. Tragically for me, I am not in the $500 fake fur coat income bracket, which seems like a pity.

The Hundred-Foot Journey Blu-Ray Combo Pack $40
I actually can't find the $40 one listed, but this one is $22 and your aunt would probably really like this movie. It has all the components of a real aunt-pleaser. Oprah co-produced it, too, which your aunt will also probably enjoy knowing.

Wide Headbands $10
Actually they're $8 right now and I love wide headbands so YES PLEASE.

La Cienga Wedge Boots $245
Not content to merely be the sort of boots I don't like much, they also have a hidden wedge heel so I can sneakily make myself VERY VERY TALL.This seems both fun and also rather dangerous while I'm staggering around in snowbanks.

Cote Nail Polish Gift Set $144
"Leave the trendy colours to the teens," Oprah says. I'm so depressed by this that I'm going to take my purple nails and go lay down for a while.

I'm back. Rage hard against a world that wants to subdue you into tasteful neutrals.

Khepri Large Drop Earrings $155
These are pretty and I like reading about how they're made to be lightweight. I also like the illustrations on the website showing how big they are: REALLY BIG! I don't even have pierced ears, but these seem nice for someone who does and who likes big, elaborate earrings.

Touch Quilted Cuff Gloves $78
These are spiffy - you can still text constantly while wearing them, they're warm, AND they have giant ornate puffy cuffs so you can wear them to your medieval cosplaying events on those winter weekends, too.

GoPro Hero Camera $130
Oh, these are fun. Bill and a friend went kayaking and took turns wearing one of these little video cameras on a helmet as they kayaked down various things and risked making me a very attractive widow.

Peace Love World I Love Sundays Long Sleeve T-shirt $98
I don't love Sundays, really. They drift, somewhat pointlessly, into Mondays and tend to be rather dull. Also, this is a nearly $98 shirt. I don't love that, either.

365 Gathered Truths Box $85
So this is a faux-weathered wooden box with 365 inspirational quotes in it. Like Jody Foster in Contact, I have no words, and they should have sent a poet.

Are you someone who finds Inspirational Pinterest Boards actually inspiring? Then I guess this is for you, and I wonder how you accidentally read this far in this post?

Waring Popcorn Maker with Melting Pot $130
This is a popcorn maker with an attached heated metal pot for warming your butter.
It costs $130.

This is an $18 popcorn maker that you can get at Target.

And this is a microwave. It is ALREADY IN YOUR KITCHEN. You can use it to warm butter for your popcorn.

12 Days of Christmas Sterling Silver Bangle and Swarovski Crystal Charm Set $500
The problem here is me. I don't like jewelry so I'm just sitting here frowning at this.

Oprah and Deepak's Meditation Transformation Trilogy $100

Forte 13-piece Cutlery Block Set $130
These are nice, I guess, and the block itself is magnetic "to showcase the entire dishwasher-safe collection." DO PEOPLE WANT TO LOOK AT MY KNIVES WHEN THEY COME TO MY HOUSE?

NX Mini Camera $450
This features "a flip-up LCD screen that makes taking the perfect selfie easier than ever." My 15 year old told me about a friend taking ONE HUNDRED SELFIES while getting ready for school one morning. ONE HUNDRED!

You can also send pictures to your phone or tablet with it too. Well, that's smart. If I had $450 to spend, I would get this for my kid's friend to help her speed things up in the morning.

O Gift Tier Membership $79
A subscription to O magazine, with a box of luxury cosmetics samples, a weekly newsletter and discounts at O-affiliated stores. If you think this sounds PERFECT, here it is.

Vitamix $409
A REALLY REALLY expensive blender so rich people can feel expensively like they're making healthy choices! I'm sure it's a dandy blender too, and the portable cup attachment is smart.

Charter Club Cashmere Hoody $169
Most of the time, when cashmere sweaters are on this list, I just gently roll my eyes and move on but this one has a zipper, a hood, many colour options, and a bunny-hug, so now I am cursing my impecunious state and farewell, cruel worlding. And this is, of course, the ultimate point of luxury items, to really delineate the difference between Us and Them.

Also, this is a very nice sweater.

Hadley Tote $79
It's fine.

Beauty Express Brow Kit $40
After a big chat with a bunch of ladies on Twitter the other day, I've decided that every woman I know needs this for Christmas. ONE FOR ALL MY FRIENDS. Won't someone rid me of these troublesome eyebrows?

Chocolate Bark Holiday Tins $42 for Set of Two
I wouldn't buy this but I would happily eat it which indicates a certain lack of moral will, doesn't it?

Mini Filled Bagel Balls Variety Pack $36 for 36 Bagels
I'm not a big fan of bread-y things, but I'm sure these are fine.

Premium Fruit Syrups $7
This actually sounds very appealing. We're into the winding-down food portion of the list now, where I love everything because I'm always so desperately hungry.

Mocha, Triple Berry, and Princess Cakes $30 each
Cake is PROBABLY my favourite thing.
And look how pretty those are!

Smoked Salmon Sampler Git Box $195
I love smoked fish with an inhuman, bear-like hunger. I get all MY smoked fish from Purvis Fisheries. (mostly trout, thanks for asking.)

Holiday Cheese Collection $60
A big fancy stack of cheeses means that I would go on the all-cheese diet until my heart packed up and walked right out of me.

Holiday Statement Chocolate Box $70
I find the colours on these slightly off-putting. Do you want to eat painted chocolates? Hm.

Truffle Oil Holiday set $59
"Since I crossed truffle hunting in Italy off my bucket list," writes Oprah and that is a splendid, evocative sentence and I wish Oprah had a beautiful golden-hued book about her adventures truffle hunting and the love that could not be with the handsome young truffle hunting guide in Tuscany or wherever it is that one hunts! for! truffles!

Truffles taste gross. But here is a fancy set of truffley oil, if you'd like.

Handcrafted Caramel Mix Assortment Box $49
This looks fantastic.

Jam Sampler Git Set $55
I've written about my thoughts on jam before and feel put out that I'm expected to do so again. Homemade jam is a fine, splendid thing to give one's friends. By all means, do that.

Tequila Blanco $70

Tequila. Yuck.

Pasta of the Month Club $75 for three months
For three months, your recipient will get a bag of locally sourced, seasonal pasta (what? How is pasta seasonal? I do not know.), a bag of organic handmade pasta and a recipe and wine suggestions. It's at least an interesting concept, even if I'm not sure it's entirely worth $25 a month.

Happy Holiday Loaf - $150

European Salami sampler $60
"Consider it the United Nations of cured meat," Oprah writes and I will! I will consider it this thing! Salami is, like cheese, something I unfortunately cannot stop eating once I have it around and so I never DO have it around, and this is a delicious and lethal-looking amount of internationally-administering salami.

Petit Quiche Assortment $42
THE LAST THING! I DID IT! And the final thing is.... wee quiches. I DO NOT CARE. Eat them if you'd like. I am DONE.

And so ends this year's Oprah's Gift List. A fair number of things left a sour taste in my mouth this year, and yet overall, it felt like a subdued list, lacking some of the wackier items from years gone by. But writing this monster list every year marks the true beginning of my Christmas season, and I hope that reading it has brought you some holiday merriment, too. xo

Friday, November 22, 2013

The Corrected People Magazine Hot Guy List

Ah, People Magazine - moldering antique from a simpler time when we liked our celebrity gossip gentler and our crossword puzzles really, really unchallenging - and yet once a year it manages to make itself briefly relevant again by picking some divisive dude to be their Sexiest Man of Earth Planet For The Next 365 Days.

This year's pick: Cootie King Adam Levine!
It's nice to see that this one messed-up girl I used to know who ALWAYS dated serial cheaters with 6 kids from 5 different women is now in charge of the People Magazine Hot Man List. She's going places!

Next up: Idris Elba.
He's a fine-looking man! This is a solid choice. No complaints!

Next: Luke Bryan
He's a famous country singer, and precisely what I do not mean when I say that I like guys "artsy and complicated." When you want to think of My Type (and why would you want to do this?) picture the opposite of Luke Bryan.

Also, remember this episode of Friends?


And more: Jimmy Fallon.
I LIKE Jimmy Fallon. I find him reasonably funny and quite affable. These are nice things. I'm almost certain that he's a  nice man, which is a rare thing in funny men, but he also looks like a gentle turtle.

Next: spry, fedora-wearing leprechaun Bruno Mars:

If you like spry fedora-wearing leprechauns,  here you go. His new song promises that "we'll be making love like gorillas." Is this an image anyone wanted?

And more: HGTV guys Jonathan and Drew Scott.
I've never, ever watched their show. Maybe they're much sexier when they're moving and talking. Maybe.

Onward: Justin Timberlake.
Smug! Arrogant! Vainly attempting to have a mediocre acting career instead of BEING A POP SINGER LIKE GOD INTENDED AND YET CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO AT THE 3:44 MARK:

Fun fact: babies magically made by this song when it first came out are now nearly eight years old.

Surging Forwards: the genetically-blessed Chris Pine.
Sure. I mean, he's nothing I find attractive but his inclusion doesn't make me want to punch my monitor, either.

Next up: the phenomenally-talented Pharrell Williams:
He's FORTY! It is UNFAIR how men age and he is ASTONISHINGLY talented as well as having a picture of himself mysteriously aging in his attic.Go check out his Wikipedia page if you aren't sure who he is.  AND he has an interesting, individual face. A quirky, interesting choice.

And more: Ronan Farrow.
As in child of Mia Farrow and Woody Allen or possibly Frank Sinatra and we're all just so EAGER to have the children of famous people turn out hot and not disappointing. He certainly is clever, at least, and he's a handsome young man.

Almost there: Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend Justin Theroux
He's handsome and very talented in his own right. His inclusion on this list made me roll my eyes cruelly, but there's no reason for that.

Finally: David Beckham.
SOME people don't find David Beckham attractive. These people also probably don't like the laughter of babies, kittens and strings on fuzzy mittens. THESE PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS.

Proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

My grade for People Magazine: 5.5 out of 10.

NOW for MY Completely Arbitrary List Of Famous Men I Think Are Pretty Sexy While I'm Sitting Here This Morning:
I've been watching a lot of reruns of Being Human these days, so Aidan Turner!
He also plays a Hot Dwarf in the new Hobbit movies:

New to my list: Sleepy Hollow's Ichabod Crane:

As played by Tom Misson. "Why are we watching this show every week?" Bill grumbled at me. BECAUSE IT'S A VERY GOOD SHOW OR SOME EQUALLY VALID OTHER REASON.

Gael Garcia Bernal

He was on my list last year as well. This is because he is a dreamboat.

Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock Holmes

Stanley Tucci

Once Upon A Time's Captain Hook:
This is called "smart casting."

Tom Hiddleston

Shaun Evans

Aragorn in the Lord of  The Rings
A few years back now, which makes this a CLASSIC choice.

Allan Hawco
Canada SHOULD consider changing it's slogan to We Make Good-Looking Men.


Affable! Beautiful! Humble! VERY VERY FUNNY ON TWITTER! And also my future husband, come the Zombie Apocalypse.

Also this:

Who'd I leave out?