Friday, November 16, 2012

People. People Who Read People.

People Magazine's Official Hot Man of The Planet Earth Contest Issue is out, and as usual, they got it ALL WRONG. CHANNING TATUM? Is that even a NAME people have here on Earth Planet? Are we THAT dazzled by abs? Are all our libidos set to Beefy And Simple O'Clock?

I am, a good friend informed me, SO WRONG. Channing Tatum IS terribly sexy, she assures me, but she likes blond jocks. And I am certain that he is a lovely man, in his own way, but if it was Beck Magazine, the Hot Men List would be different - darker haired men, for one, and more... oh, complicated and yet good-humoured and geeky and smarter and also with that certain special something that suggests to ME, at least, that they might like my sort (non-hale, non-hearty, endlessly talkative, fragile hypochondriacs. Who DOESN'T enjoy that?).

I am fully aware, in an aside, that these men are (for the most part) actors and that their public personas and their private lives might be disappointingly different. Don't know, don't care.

The People List, Graded
1. Channing Tatum - He's not, as I said, anything LIKE my type. But he's not a HORRIBLE choice either. B-.

2.  Blake Shelton - He seems affable enough, and I like doting husbands, but he's once again NOT MY TYPE - too blond! Too outdoorsy!  C+/B-.

3. Chris Hemsworth - Take everything I said about not wanting blond muscly guys and wanting dark haired smart complicated guys and throw them out the window because HUBBA HUBBA. Some good, kind human being made this video:

*fans self*
WHY IS HE NOT THE SEXIEST MAN OF THE YEAR? This seems like a much more popular choice.

4. Max Greenfield.
 That's certainly not a sexy photo, is it? There are better ones:
He's appealing. B.

 5. Ben Affleck
On the one hand, there was Argo and on the other he's aging SO well AND he's a doting dad and so I'm going to have to give him an A-, which I never would have done BEFORE.

 6. Richard Gere.
NO. F.

7. Matt Bomer
Oh, sure. A-.

8. Oscar Pistorius 

9. Denzel Washington
 A fine-looking man, yes. Hannah addressed the issue we all have with his permanent spot on the People List well, and I'll add another hopeful voice chirping for Idris Elba. B+ for Denzel.

10. Damien Lewis.
What? No. C-.

11. Paul Rudd

12. Bradley Cooper
A C+ for Bradley Cooper, Human Golden Retriever. 

The Beck List, In No Order Whatsoever

Henry Cavill

Viggo Mortensen

Benedict Cumberbatch

(only when he's Sherlock Holmes, though, and certainly not when he's giving one of his myriad regrettable interviews. Shh, Benedict. Let me love you.)

Sufjan Stevens

Jon Hamm

 Captain Hook on Once Upon A Time
Not coicidentally, this show recently went from something I lazily watched sometimes on Sunday evenings to MUST SEE TV.

 Colin Farrell

Santiago Cabrera

David Beckham

Gael Garcia Bernal

Mark Ruffalo

This is such a good post. I think I might love it.
Did I miss anyone? Let me know!

Sunday, November 11, 2012

My Curse Is Come Upon Me - My Yearly Oprah's Favorite Thing's Post.

 Here it is: the primary  reason that I still have a blog, the post that makes me feel more stressed out and guilty than all my other posts combined - my yearly Oprah post! This year, I decided to drag other people down with me, namely my oldest child, M., and my dad. And we're off!

Jetson E- Bike. I actually saw one of these in person while I was out riding around with my dad. A portly woman tootled by on her electric bike and my dad and I stared, awe-struck, and then laughed for a solid five minutes. Perhaps I am missing this bike's zippy electric charm. That sounds exactly like something that might pass me by, so instead, I will say, in practical fashion, that I don't know about everyone, but generally Christmas happens in the WINTER here and not during safe bike riding season. It's also close to 2 grand. Do we like anyone $2000 worth? And the answer is no, of course we don't.

Ralph Lauren Colourful Sweater. - "It's $198!" exclaimed M. "THAT IS QUITE EXPENSIVE!" Is the Recession not happening where YOU are? Perhaps you're rich and you and your rich friends exchange luridly-coloured sweaters with each other while laughing richly. And while I'm sure it's a perfectly nice cotton cable sweater in bright colours, is it REALLY worth $200? No. So what you're paying for is visible membership in The Rich Person Sweater Club, which I hear is a nice place.

Giro Sport Design Reverb - $48 for Oprah readers. "That is an expensive helmet for something the colour of a booger with a visor," said M. I don't know if I think it's expensive, so much, but I DO think that giving bike helmets to other adults is a strange thing to do at Christmas. Do people do this? Is this something that happens? I'm trying to imagine my face upon opening up a big tempting box and finding a bike helmet. I think I'd cry.

H20 Gift Set - Was $122 but is now $98 for Oprah readers. "I first discovered these products at David Copperfield's house," writes Oprah.You know, if I was rich and famous and knew other rich and famous people, I would most certainly name drop. I can't quite imagine name-dropping David Copperfield, but perhaps he's an expensively sea-scented delight and a joy to all who know him. Name dropping count: 1.

Metallic Pink Tory Burch "Michelle" Tote - A lovely enough item, I guess, but a) on what mythical planet do people give each other $395 tote bags for Christmas and b) how come I wasn't born into this group?

12 Pack of Julep Nail Polishes, selected by Oprah herself - Originally $168, now $84. M pointed out that we own a MILLION bottles of nail polish and probably did not spend $168 total on them. But these nail polishes are non-toxic while ours are probably warping our genes AS WE SPEAK, which serves us right for being poor. But - in all fairness - $84 is actually not a crazy price for a large boxed set of high-quality nail polishes, even if I'd be aghast if someone bought me it.

Indian Bangle Bracelet - $31 for Oprah readers.
Well, that's not TOO bad, right? I mean, I don't like it but it's also not the cost of a new kidney and those who like shiny costume jewelry will like it.... wait a minute....
Bougainvillea’s cuff bracelets are made with water buffalo bone and semi-precious stones. 
I find this icky. I'm not all THAT sensitive, but I prefer that my costume jewelry not be made of animal bones. I'm dainty that way. And are a water buffaloes bones THAT much more attractive than a cows? Does being an undomesticated animal give your bones an exotic hue?

12 Pack of Lafco New York Gift Soaps - $238. "WOW," said M, who up until this moment did not know that rich people dropped $238 on gift boxes of soap for each other. She also wrote "WOW" in the magazine's margin in case I did not sufficiently know how boggled she was.
Name dropped: "Mr. and Mrs. Colbert." Name dropping count: 2.

Pave Diamonds Initial Necklace from India Hicks- Was $370 but is now $296 for Oprah readers. "I suppose if you absolutely have to have a $370 necklace, this one would do as well as any other," my dad grumped.

Bose VideoWave II 46" High Definition Television - $4,999 (but substantially MORE in Canada, for some reason.). Perhaps this is the sort of thing rich people give beloved spouses for Christmas. Do they? Is this what they do? M is rolling her eyes at the VERY idea. As it is, I don't even like MYSELF enough to spend 5 grand on a TELEVISION when I have 3 kids who need food and shelter and (theoretically) future expensive educations. So no.

A festively-scented candle with an R. Nichols illustration on the outside - $36 for Oprah readers. "RIPOFF," wrote M. My dad, unbelievably enough, DISAGREES. "Those are nice little things!" he said. "That seems like a fair price for them." My dad - unexpected fan of the festively illustrated seasonal candle.

Kidskin Leather Wallet - $138. This involved a long explanation to a very horrified M about what "kidskin" was, since she thought at first that it was KID skin and thus in extra horrible, Swiftian Modest Proposal territory. "It's still weird," M says. "First you have to find your wallet in your purse and then you have to search through your wallet for your stuff." Guess whose mother has only just started carrying a purse and has yet to grow up enough to carry a wallet?

Recycled-Steel Toile Dog Food Cannister and Stoneware Bowl - $56 and $32. "What do you get for the dog that reads Architectural Digest?" wrote Oprah, which has caused me a lot of philosophical musing. What WOULD I get for a dog that both COULD read and had pretentious reading tastes? "You give him to a scientific testing facility since I don't want to be taken over by smart dogs," says M. "Or you give him dog treats and tell him to get a job and buy his own stuff." Spending $56 on a tin to hold dog food! THE VERY IDEA!

Hotel Collection 600 Thread Count Bedding - $80 to $360. "For anyone who loves to hang out in bed," wrote Oprah.  "For people with no lives," grumped M. "Here, let's buy you some stupid expensive bedding and make your bed extra-comfy." But what does she know? She's young and still has hope in an interesting future. I like nice sheets. I don't expect anyone will buy me these because THEY ARE EXPENSIVE.

Tempur-Cloud Supreme Mattress - $2699. I LOVE A COMFORTABLE MATTRESS. I WANT A NICE SOFT BED. GET ME THIS. M is out of the room and not here to point out that people don't actually buy each other mattresses for Christmas that cost two grand. Moving briskly on!

Coach Down Puffer Jacket - $458. "This perfect down puffer.... manages to be nice and warm without making you look like the Incredible Hulk," writes Oprah and yet, as M pointed out, the green one is EXACTLY THE SAME COLOUR AS THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

Michael Kors Glam Metallic Studded High Tops - $195. "There's a zipper! A buckle! AND LACES!" exclaimed M, completely horrified. "AND THEY ARE ALSO TACKY! OF ALL THE SHOES IN THE WORLD!"

Wine Chilling Corkcicle - $25 - Here we have it! This list's affordable option! ONE FOR ALL MY DRUNKEN FRIENDS! Except we're still in a Recession and I don't BUY presents for my friends, do I. But if I did, I might buy them a giant icicle to keep their booze cold.

Tom Ford 4 Pack of Lipsticks, Hand-Picked by Oprah - $192. Exclamation mark! I don't know why this dazzles me so much, but that's a LOT of money for four lipsticks. The individual lipsticks in the Tom Ford collection are $48. $48! I felt like a giddy drunken sailor buying a TWENTY DOLLAR lipstick the other day. CRAZINESS.

Dyson Bladeless Pedestal Fan - $450. Name dropped: THE KARDASHIANS. Name dropping count: 3.
Does this being owned by the Kardashians make it less appealing for anyone else? I'm sure it's a completely fine expensive fan but I don't generally tend to buy fans for Christmas, a holiday which - as I've previously mentioned - OCCURS IN THE WINTER. Maybe it's hot where you are and you are also rich. Here's a fan that the Kardashians like for your consideration.

Microsoft Surface Tablet with Keyboard - from $495. I don't know about you, but the one finger limited interactivity of tablets counts AGAINST them for me. This one comes with a keyboard but how much can you really do WITH it? We're pretty demanding of our computers in this household and tend to find tablets underwhelming as a rule. Still, it's attractive.

Wagging Tail Portraits - $229 for a set of 50 pet picture cards. Here is a photo of Frank - who is STILL HANGING IN THERE, WAY TO GO BUDDY! - carefully photoshopped to look like art:
Bill has asked me not to be snarky about this entry. It's hard times for commercial artists these days. So you want to get a bunch of cards with your dog's painting on them made up? Here you go. And in the meantime: ADMIRE MY FINE CAT!

Q37ci Elliptical Trainer -$3099. Names dropped: Bob Greene (4) and Gayle* (5) who is shown working off "blue velvet cake" and more on THAT later. "If you love to eat, it's a really good idea to try to make yourself love to work out," writes the O editors and now I am so depressed because oh no, this is a true statement. In the meantime: this is very expensive but maybe you would mean it very lovingly if you gave it as a gift, mean it to say something like "I love you and want you around for as close to forever as I can." What I worry that your recipient would hear, though, is "You're a giant fatty and I'll only love you if you keep your butt high and firm." So maybe only get people three thousand dollar elliptical machines IF THEY SPECIFICALLY ASK FOR THEM.

*I'm aware that mentioning Gayle is probably not name-dropping so much, but I'd brag if I was hanging out with her. She seems fun.

Rowallan of Scotland Leather Covered Jewelry Box - Was $525 but is now $420 for Oprah readers. "What do you get the woman who has everything?" ME? Personally? Doesn't SHE ALREADY HAVE EVERYTHING and maybe what she doesn't need is YET MORE STUFF? And yet.

While Oprah's gift list may be SPECTACULARLY out of touch with how most human beings exchange gifts, there is nothing wrong with the idea that gifts are a tangible sign of our love for someone else and our desire for their happiness. And so, if THIS is the one thing that would make your wife very happy and you can afford it, than by all means. It is, as my dad pointed out, a rather nice thing, with all its little drawers and compartments. I personally much prefer the $125 Florence model, but I don't want that one, either. I'm not really a jewelry fan.

Josh Groban's Noel CD YET AGAIN - In case your grandma doesn't have it yet or lost last year's copy.

Dr. Dre Powerbeats Earbuds - $150. M wrote the following story of celebrity headphones in the margin: "When I was 8, I bought some Hannah Montana headphones at the dollar store when everything was still a dollar. I'm 13 now and I lost them this summer but they still worked and sounded good when I lost them." The moral of this story, I guess, is that Miley Cyrus should get in on the lucrative field of celebrity headphone design again, because she could make a MINT. I have nothing against expensive headphones, by the way - I have a lovely pair of noise-cancelling headphones and they make my life a MILLION times better.

Curtis Stone Kitchen Solutions Stainless Steel Oilcan - $60. "So there I was, telling Curtis Stone how chic this stainless steel oilcan is, not realizing that it's from his very own line!" wrote Oprah. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SO EMBARRASSING, OPRAH! PLEASE TELL ME MORE! But there is no more, just a somewhat-attractive metallic can for olive oil and so many questions. Names dropped: 6.

4 Classic Coffee and Tea Bowls on a Matching Tray - $20 and very, very lovely. Every year there is something I actually want on the Oprah list and so far, THIS IS IT. This and the zillion dollar mattress.

Edward Bess Perfume - $125. Ugh, buying perfume for people as gifts. Perfume smells so weirdly different on individuals that how about we just buy perfume for people that they've asked for? I'm sure this is a perfectly fine perfume, but make sure that the recipient has tried it out first and likes it before you spend $125 on it.

Bonded Teak Knife Set - $400 - On the one hand, these are good knives and good knives DO cost money. On the other hand, $400 is a HUGE amount of money and knives are a weird thing to give for a present. Also, don't forget that when you give someone knives for a gift, you must get a token amount of money from them in return so they're "buying" the knives from you, in superstition land, and your friendship is not thus severed. Important scientific news you can use!

Swing Design  Tray and Boxes - from $70 to $120. "I think it was Paul Simon who said, "Preserve your memories: they're all that's left you," writes Oprah and cheer up, Oprah! It's going to be okay! You have your dogs and your electric bike even if people aren't watching your new tv channel. And in the meantime, whoo! these are some expensive boxes! They're also in the luridly slimy frog green colour that Oprah apparently loves and I do not.

Back Home Pajamas Set - $160 - "The satiny pima cotton feels like you're wearing nothing," writes Oprah, which isn't as reassuring as she might hope. I like my pajamas to feel like pajamas. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night and have to spend valuable could-be-sleeping time trying to figure out if I am actually naked and thus needing to get up and put ON pajamas, because only hippies and communists sleep nudely. As far as pajamas go, they're all right. I find cotton pajamas chilly and they're way out of my price range.

Lancer Skin Care Luxury Face Care Collection Set - $250 "Merry Christmas, honey! I've been noticing that you're very very old and wrinkly."

Earth Balance Coconut And Peanut Spread Gift Pack - $15 And here we have a nice inexpensive gift for MY WORST ENEMY TO GIVE ME! it's gluten free AND vegan, as though those are positive qualities in a Christmas gift. Okay. My allergies aside (I have SEVERE coconut allergies), this gift pack also comes with a cookie cutter, recipe card and bamboo spreader so it would probably be good for the very nutritionally worried person on your gift list. It's fairly cutely packaged, too, so I've decided this would be a dandy gift for the nutritionally fretful person that you only want to spend $15 on.

Wakaya Perfection Organic Ginger Powder - $24. "If I blindfolded you," writes Oprah, "you'd swear this organic ginger powder from Fiji was just grated off the root." MOM! OPRAH IS THREATENING TO BLINDFOLD ME AND FEED ME GINGER POWDER AGAIN! The website says that this is a "30 Day supply" of ginger, which is making me look askance - what are people doing with ALL THAT GINGER?

56 Count Box of Artisinal Pigs In Blankets with 2 Dips - $68 for Oprah readers. Despite the fact that this DOES sound delicious - I AM SO HUNGRY - it is also a lot of money for pigs in blankets. I'd still eat them, do NOT get me wrong.

Pipcorn Holiday Crate - $88. For four bags of "pipcorn" which is a hullless variety of popcorn, apparently, and PEOPLE PAY $88 FOR FOUR BAGS OF POPCORN THIS PLANET IS AMAZING! I love it here. People are NUTS. And M got bored and wandered off to make guacamole, which cost us maybe $1, but we'll sell it to you for $50 because PEOPLE WILL PAY ANYTHING FOR ANYTHING.

Mel and Rose Wine Spirits Moscow Mule Kit - $131. "I suggest drinking at least two when you're at Yosemite trying to pitch a tent in the rain with Gayle King," writes Oprah, and doesn't that sound like fun? I'd like to go boozy camping in Yosemite with Oprah and Gayle. Not mentioned: Steadman. If someone gave me this for Christmas, I would be their best friend FOREVER. I'm still not giving it to anyone, though.

A blue velvet cake. $34 for Oprah readers. Gayle picked this - and then had to work it off on the elliptical machine mentioned earlier - but I find it off-putting, like something out of Dr. Seuss. Still, I'm sure it's TASTY and I wish someone would buy ME a cake. I LOVE CAKE. Would I eat blue cake? YES I WOULD.

Bellocq Tea Arelier Chai Gift Set - WAS $85 but Oprah readers can get it for $68 and I am BOGGLED by this. THIS TEA IS MADE OF GOLD, PEOPLE! IT WILL MAKE YOU LIVE FOREVER! (As a nice aside: they are donating 10% of sales to the American Red Cross, which is good of them.)

Trio Jam Pack - $29 for Oprah readers. This is fine. Homemade jam is a splendid gift and if you've made jam and the recipient does not appreciate it, DROP THEM AT ONCE. RIGHT THERE.

Casa Dragones Sipping Tequila - $275. While doing last year's list, I learned that sipping tequila is a THING and that I have been missing out on this thing, so I got some for a friend's birthday and then made her sip it with me. "Oh, this is nice," the poor woman said. "Like a really fine, smooth gasoline." This bottle of tequila is REALLY expensive!

Dark Secret Chocolate 30 Day Box Set - $54 for Oprah readers - Hrm. 2 little dark chocolates to be healthily doled out every day for a month. It's okay, I guess? I prefer my chocolate to come in luxurious truffle form, to be eaten in bed as I read my new stack of Christmas detective novels in my new pajamas that ABSOLUTELY feel like pajamas, but maybe this would be a nice treat for someone who likes to approach food in a rational, clinical fashion.

Milagro Select Barrel Reserve Silver Tequila - $52. More tequila! This one is less heart-breakingly expensive.

Sabatino and Co. Truffle Oils, Truffles, Truffle Slicer - $28 to $80. "Lisa Marie Presley sent me a truffle basket five Christmases ago, and it was a revelation," writes Oprah, dropping her 7th or 8th name. The rich are very different than you and I. They send each other truffle gift baskets.From this point on, all food products go in a strange truffle-y direction.

Trufa Secra Cured Meat Gift Set - $50. This is my dad's favorite. Nice knife, nice cutting board, some cured meat - "This is a STEAL!" - my dad says. You may safely buy it for me as well.

Cypress Grove Chevre - $15.50 for Oprah readers. This chevre has truffle flavours, which almost certainly means that it's going to wildly appeal to some people and revolt the rest. I think this is a fine gift but M gagged at THE VERY THOUGHT OF GOAT CHEESE. Oh hush, child! It's delicious! "It tastes like dirt," she said, "SWEATY DIRT." I think we know what Santa's bringing THIS year!

Tarfuflanghe Truffle Pasta - $6.50 to $22 for Oprah readers. Um, I guess? Maybe?

Truffle Butter - $17 to $31 for Oprah readers. I have no clue. I've never eaten a truffle, so I have no idea if I think this is a splendid luxurious idea or a big tub of grody ickiness.

The only person besides Oprah to have their own list this year is Adam Glassman. Luckily, his list was pretty dandy.
For The Label Queen
Lela Rose for Target + Neiman Marcus Dress - $100. This is a very pretty, flattering-looking dress. I actually would like it very much.

Tracy Reese for Target + Neiman Marcus Plates - $40 - Do I want these? No I do not. These are the sort of grown-up decorate-y sort of things that make me realize how inadequate I am as an adult because I just think "BORING!" and move briskly on.

Brian Atwood for Target + Neiman Marcus Gloves - $50 and I am sensing a trend here. I also don't like gloves. They don't keep my hands warm enough. Me + Mittens = BFF.

Oscar de la Renta for Target + Neiman Marcus Tote - $60 - I don't want this but that doesn't mean that it's BAD. It's fine enough as a thing, I GUESS. Meanwhile, my winter coat pockets are stuffed full of kleenex and my keys and my mitts and I look like a goof, so why would you go by my judgement?

For The Indie Spirit
I'm all about... journals - $16 to $20. While I don't know what I'm all about ("Having frequent colds" and "Sulking" were strangely absent) this would be all right for the thoughtful teen on your list.

May28th Customizable InstaWatch - $44. Make watches from your Instagram photos! I seem to know a lot of people who send me bad Instagrammed pictures of what they're eating for supper. I'm going to make them watches from THOSE pictures (no.).

Wantful Gift Book $30 and up. Huh. This is sort of weird. You answer a visual questionnaire about the person you want to get a present for and they make a pretty 12-item printed catalog for them. Then they pick out the one thing that they want and the Wantful people wrap it and send it to them. There's a range of price choices and it's an interesting idea, at least.

Liz Claiborne Gold-Plated Initial Bangle - $20 - Are you very, VERY keen on your initial? I'm not - I can't even decide if I should go with B (the obvious choice) or R (MY ACTUAL INITIAL). This is a pretty-enough object, if your recipient likes jewelry AND it's not expensive, either.

For the Creative Kid
Unlike Oprah, Adam Glassman does not live in a child-free world and his list has some sensible, pleasant ideas for ACTUAL CHILDREN:

Emi-Jay Hair Tie Ornament - $37. At first, I thought WTF IS THIS? It's a clear ball filled with beige hair-ties and headbands... and then I went to the site and found out that the collection was made by a) two teenagers and b) proceeds go to a variety of worthy charities and now I feel BAD for my initial reaction. I don't find the COLOURS of the hair accessories in this ornament that attractive, but if you poke around the website, you can find lots of pretty, reasonably priced hair things that actually WOULD make a nice stocking stuffer/small gift for the girl/young woman on your shopping list. So that was a nice surprise as I grouched around this morning.

Empress Arts Crayon Set - $15. Cute and not crazy expensive. My 7 year old thought this was a dandy gift.

Money Scholar Bank $38 - Again, a fairly spiffy item - a bank that looks like 4 surfboards, to help kids learn to budget for spending, investing, saving and giving. The website has different banks, too, if your kid doesn't like surfing.  The only problem with them that I can see is that as a Canadian, some of our coins wouldn't fit - but it's a fine idea.

Kid Made Modern Art Toolbox - $27 (I linked to a similar item). - This is fun. Either of my daughters would love to get this, and they're 13 and 7. Collections of art supplies are a good idea for artsy kids.

For the Stylish Man
Graphic Image Monogrammed Box of Cuff Links - $85 - Boy. This is boring. I GUESS someplace out there, there is a dapper man who is like "NO WAY THIS IS AMAZING!" in which case, please get this for him.

Natural Designs Woodturning Birch Pens - $37 each - These are fine if you need to get a gift for a corporate boss-type, maybe? It's a lovely item, at least.

Sid Mashburn Pocket Squares - $45 each - $45! I had the weird experience of listening to my mom trying to explain to my dad what these were used for. He still didn't get it.

Victrinox Swiss Army Knife - $24. I DO like Swiss Army Knives. They are fun AND handy and sort of imply that the gift recipient is a rugged, adventurous manly man who might at ANY TIME need a corkscrew or the ability to cut open packaging. My dad also approves of this gift, unlike the 3 proceeding it, which just made him stare in nameless horror and dread that someone might GIVE THOSE TO HIM FOR CHRISTMAS.

For The Fun Seeker
Purple Old Navy Toggle Coat - $40 (but it's actually on sale for $29 when I looked at.) Absolutely fine. I'd like a purple coat with toggles, because a) purple is my favorite colour and b) I love toggles but IT IS NOT AVAILABLE ON THE CANADIAN OLD NAVY WEBSITE. Why NOT, Old Navy?

Axwell USA Lucky Dice - $70 - I can't even imagine a life where someone would WANT these.

Talking Heads: The Vent Have Portraits - $75. An art book of portraits of ventriloquist dummies. "No. NO. BAD," said M, who is terrified of ventriloquist dummies. ABSOLUTELY PETRIFIED OF THEM! And I'm sorry, but I have no opinion on the book because I'm too busy giggling at M, who is still ranting about dummies in the next room. Hee! Between this and the goat cheese, M is going to have A Very Special Christmas.

Reebok Sneakers - $100  - Running shoes. Um. They're fine.

For the Luxury Lover
Mia Flats - $70 - Shoes are such a weird thing to suggest getting someone for a gift because shoe sizes vary so much and shoes are so oddly personal. I wouldn't do it. Also, these shoes have some sort of glittery outbreak and I don't like them.

Meridith Marks Earrings - $450 - Expensive diamond earringzzzzzzz.

Napa Cakes Panforte Fruit And Nut Cakes - $15 to $125 - GROSS. CAKE WITH NUTS IN IT. Way to ruin my holidays, Adam Glassman.

Fabulous Furs Faux Fur Ice Scraper - $25
This is really, really ugly, like a small gross furry vermin animal - the kind of thing you'd pay someone to get OUT FROM UNDER YOUR PORCH - with a weird beak-y protuberance. Shudder. However, I DO find non-vermin-looking mitten/ice scraper combinations a sensible gift for people who live in cold climates. I've seen them at Canadian Tire and Mark's Work Warehouse for under $15 - they're probably available lots of other places, too.

O's 2012 Beauty Gift Guide
And we're back to Oprah! This is mostly perfumes with a few expensive other odds and ends and one big exception that M and I REALLY REALLY want.
Padlock Perfume Natural Spray - $99 - The same rant about perfume I said earlier on in the page applies here. TRY IT OUT FIRST! The padlock perfume bottle is really pretty, at least.

Polaris Holiday Set - $85 - Man perfume. I realize that it's generally harder to drag a guy to the cosmetic counter and spray him with colognes, so sometimes yes, one must guess. That's what I do with MY husband, with mixed success.

Houbigant Paris Orangers en Fleurs Eau de Parfum - $180. Another perfume! This one has the virtue of coming in $600 versions, which I find BREATHTAKINGLY expensive. That's a lot of money!

Laura Mercier Lip Lacquer in Laque Rouge - $24 and Illuminating Eye Colour in Gilded Moonlight - $24
Yes to both of these for me, please. I like them. Otherwise... uh.. does your recipient wear makeup? If not, don't get them a bright red lipstick. Get them a tinted lip balm.

Perlier Honey Miel Shower and Bath Cream - $30 - Oh sure. This is nice. Expensive enough that it feels like a luxurious gift without being so expensive that your recipient would feel guilty, and honey shower gel SOUNDS pretty, too.

Sugar Soiree Mini Lip Collection - $65. If this wasn't $65 for 8 MINIATURE lip balms, I would think this was dandy. But it is and I don't. Too much money.

Jaboneria Marianella Moisturizing Milk Bars - $14 each. Expensive soaps. Have we run out of things to say about expensive soaps now? They're soap, they cost a lot of money, you either think they're fine or you're my dad and start ranting about how much perfectly serviceable Ivory Soap costs, the end.

 Violight Rockee Toothbrush - $15 - WAIT! There IS something on the Oprah list for kids - a TOOTHBRUSH! HOORAY, YOU LUCKY CHILDREN! This one balances, Weeble Wobble-style, on its butt, which is... okay. Santa tends to buy fun electric toothbrushes on sale and use those as stocking stuffers, so I have no moral ground here. Or Santa doesn't. Take your pick.

Sephora Colour Daze Blockbuster - $50 (or $60 in Canada) - I'm linking to the Canadian one for ease of shopping for Bill, ahem COUGH COUGH M AND I WOULD LIKE THIS FOR CHRISTMAS.


What would YOU want from this list? I'd pick out the bowls, the makeup set and the bed, thanks, while my dad wants the sausage set and the goat cheese, N wants the kid art sets and M wants the big makeup set and NOTHING else. And finally: I hope you enjoyed this year's list - please let me know if you did!

And now I am DONE writing about Oprah for a solid year, HOOOOORAAAAY!