Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Horror: A Screenplay

This is my new blog. I am starting a new blog because of no good reason at all, actually. And so here we are now and it is mid-October ALREADY - good grief - and so my thoughts turn to thoughts of ghosts, of course and Halloween and creepy stories. Here's one:

Halloween One: In Which I Get What I Have Coming To Me
Scene: My house. I am sitting home alone, doing nothing of any consequence. There is a knock at my front door.

Me: I'm not home! Go AWAY! (I then continue chatting on Twitter)

Strangely familiar voice: We can see you sitting at the computer. Come to the door.

I sigh, get up and go to the door. There stands a very famous former talk show host with weight issues and a skinny blond actress in her late 30s. I quickly try to slam the door in their faces but they're too fast for me.

Talk Show Host: We want to have some words with you.

Smug Actress: Yeah. I've got a bone to pick with you.

I then start sobbing uncontrollably, picturing the actress snapping off one of her brittle bones and shanking me with it or the talk show host forcing me to talk about my feelings. Both of these scenarios strike me as equally terrifying.

Actress: You've said a lot of rude things about me over the years. You know what this makes you?

Me: Um..

Actress: THIS MAKES YOU A BAD PERSON. People who are interesting and good understand me.

Talk Show Host: Sarcasm is not helpful for public discourse, BECK. And those My Favorite Things yearly lists take a lot of work. Who doesn't love cashmere socks? Who doesn't love hand-painted dog toile trays?

Me: Well, see, that's the problem. You're both responsible for spreading some harmful, dangerous ideologies - you, Talk Show Host! You spread the idea that everyone could be happy, that everyone could have what they wanted just by WANTING it enough!  And you, Actress! You're the very epitome of entitlement and your newsletter from this week is all about how "everyone" can afford modern art!

Actress: Yes they can! Just like everyone can find time to work out!

Me: But they can't! I have friends who can't afford groceries! I have friends who work three jobs and still can't get by! The middle class is vanishing, the poor are being targeted for blame by conservative interest groups and we can't afford to indulge your professional class of Marie Antoinettes anymore! A human being's moral fiber is not dependent on the fiber in their diet. My value on a parent is less about my child's diet and entirely about the character and quality of the human being I am raising. Everyone cannot pull themselves up by their own boot straps. My wanting something does not mean I deserve it. My happiness should not come at the expense of the happiness of the people I claim to love. Very few people look good in horizontal stripes.

Talk Show Host: Get the pen and the endless reams of paper.

Actress: Oh, I am so chuffed for this!

And this is how I ended up, chained to the Sisyphean, endless task of mocking Oprah's Christmas list FOREVER.

31 comments:

  1. this post is exactly why i love you, beck!

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  2. Oooh, I wanted to be the first commenter! But second will have to do. Yay for your new blog, and FUCK YOU, BECK. (See what happens with anonymous commenting?)

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  3. I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE BACK I HAVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH. Other than, you know, talking to you all the time on Twitter. But YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

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  4. Ah yes, but you do it so well!

    ;)

    PS. So glad to see you, Beck.

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  5. OK, trying again. So happy you have a blog since I didn't know you Before...

    Also, if The Actress came to my door it would be scarier than clowns. Just sayin'.

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  6. You rock! Still my favorite blogger of all time. :)

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  7. Yes! Cheers to new blogs!

    And just in time for Halloween creepiness. Thank goodness.

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  8. Yay for new blogs and new posts from you! love it!

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  9. So good to read something you've written again. Yay!

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  10. A new blog from Beck is good news for the world. Cheers!

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  11. though--and here I'm not supporting whatever clap trap Actress was running on about--this is one of my favorite places for christmas presents:
    http://www.20x200.com/

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  12. New blogs are very revitalizing, much like bathing in mud from the Andes, redecorating my "space" in shades of linen, ivory and seashell, buying vacation homes in Hawaii, singing on Glee, name dropping Bono, and not having sex with Chris Martin or Steadman. I do all of these things ALL THE TIME.

    I'm sorry if my enthusiasm for your Oprah skewering has in any impacted your blogging mojo. I'm glad your back.

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  13. Edit for "has in any *WAY* impacted..."

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  14. Good to see you back in the blogosphere. Sarcasm is always welcome here, even that talk show host and actress don't appreciate it.

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  15. Nan! But we all want to have sex with Stedman. Or at least I do.

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  16. I missed reading your blogs!!! I enjoyed this one as always. Great to see you writing again!!!

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  17. FINE. I'll follow you over here, okay? Happy now?





    :)

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  18. well, darn. Now I will have to reconsider my final flourish-y exit from the blogosphere.

    flourish-y is a word.

    really.

    glad to see you back.

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  19. Gosh, BECK, so happy to see you. Chuffed, even.

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  20. what the heck was wrong with your old blog? This makes more work for me you know...and between exercising and buying modern art, I hardly have time for anything else. :)

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  21. AUGH! What a nightmare!!!!!! More please! ;)

    PS Welcome back! And I like your new blog title...it's really catchy ;)

    PS2 Anyone CAN afford modern art. It just depends where you purchase it and/or the materials used to, um, create it. Oh and how well-known the artist is outside of his or her immediate
    family.

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  22. Glad to see you back in the blogosphere...last time I saw you here, people were still calling it the blogosphere. ;)

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  23. If ever there is a chickadee up for the task, it is you, babe. Welcome back.

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  24. Whoo hoo. Nice to hear from ya! Like I am one to talk...

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  25. Yay! New blogs should be celebrated. I'm celebrating! But why didn't Magnum P.I. come defend you from the evil talk show host and actress?

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  26. Oh, thank heavens, you're still alive. :-)

    Did you write a novel during your long sabbatical? Eager fans wonder.

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  27. YAY YAY YAY!!! How do you manage to be hilarious and SO RIGHT about VERY IMPORTANT THINGS at the same time?

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  28. Yay! You're back! I can't wait to read more of your poignantly-sarcastic outlook on life!

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  29. Glad to see you've lost neither your with nor your social conscience.

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  30. Yay!!! You're back! I'm so happy!
    Love this. :)

    By the way, this type of comment box won't let me post a comment with my google account. Don't know why, but it has happened on other people's blogs too. If you change it to a pop up comment then it is not a problem. Otherwise I'll just have to comment as Anonymous. ;)

    Kat@Seeking Sanity

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  31. I'm so happy you're back! You are a wonderfully creepy writer, and I mean that in the best possible way.

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