"Holy cow!" I said, because I am a university-educated woman in my mid-20s who is also a virgin who does not drink, "Here I am visiting my parents several thousand miles away and he's followed me all the way here! That is so romantic and not at all completely monkey-fighting creepy!"
My breath hitched. "Where's my inhaler?" I husked breathily. "I am having an asthma attack. Also, get off me, you big freak."
"I want to hurt you," he whispered seductively, "But not more than yo-" His next words were obscured by the sound of me neatly breaking his nose with my fist.
"Triple crap!" my inner goddess said as she somersaulted around the living room, "My down there dirty bits area is so completely pleased with your psychotically controlling new boyfriend!" Then she accidentally somersaulted into the wall and got a severe head injury AGAIN.
My boyfriend is a