Thursday, May 10, 2012

Lines From My Upcoming Erotic Novel

(Possibly inspired by recent bestseller, 50 Shades Of Grey. POSSIBLY.)

"Holy cow!" I said, because I am a university-educated woman in my mid-20s who is also a virgin who does not drink, "Here I am visiting my parents several thousand miles away and he's followed me all the way here! That is so romantic and not at all completely monkey-fighting creepy!"

My breath hitched. "Where's my inhaler?" I husked breathily. "I am having an asthma attack. Also, get off me, you big freak."

"I want to hurt you," he whispered seductively, "But not more than yo-" His next words were obscured by the sound of me neatly breaking his nose with my fist.

"Triple crap!" my inner goddess said as she somersaulted around the living room,  "My down there dirty bits area is so completely pleased with your psychotically controlling new boyfriend!" Then she accidentally somersaulted into the wall and got a severe head injury AGAIN.

My boyfriend is a sparkly teenage vampire cradle-robber  sadistic billionaire helicopter pilot  complete douchebag.


16 comments:

  1. haha! I'm still gonna read it though. :)

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  2. I think I need to read 50 Shades of Grey, even if just to get my giggles on.

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  3. This is definitely funny, but I think I now have to go read 50 Shades of Grey to realize your hilariousness in full. :)

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  4. Love it! I've missed your humor, Beck.

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  5. I cannot wait to secretly read this on my Kindle.

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  6. Exactly as I suspected, not for me!

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  7. Yours and Veronica's blogs are the first blogs I ever read (back in the day...) and I cannot tell you how thrilled I was to see you both in my google reader this morning. I don't even mind the wait because the two of you rock.

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  8. I think this would end up being a short story, but the writing will be 100000000x better than that trilogy.

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  9. This made me giggle. I didn't want to read them, but now, I'm wondering if I should, just for the laughs??

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  10. If you play your cards right, your new erotic novel might be banned from libraries in Florida. LIVE THE DREAM, BECK!

    And to completely replicate the (unwarranted) success of Fifty Shades of Grey, maybe you should write it on your smart phone, like the adverb loving woman who wrote the (awful) original? Good luck!

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  11. LOL! I read the first one and then just the synopsis of the other two, figuring that's about all I wanted to know of the rest of the story. I too wondered why it was acceptable and desirable for him to follow her to her mom's...

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  12. Even your comments are hilarious! This rocks.

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  13. Ha! I KNEW a book that is so crowed about by the masses would not be something I would ever read. I somehow know that I like your version much better...

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