Thursday, April 2, 2015

Other Jobs I Could Have Had

Another old post from my old blog! CHEERFULLY ENOUGH, I NO LONGER HOMESCHOOL ANYONE! The final example is MY ACTUAL LIFE NOW! HOOOORAY!

Other Possible Fates

There is always, of course, this lingering and somewhat wistful feeling that there are other paths that one's life could have taken, another person we could have been if only we had made some different choice at some crucial moment. It is a bittersweet sort of feeling, really. And so, let me present: Different Possible Careers I Might Have Had.

Sarcastic High School English Teacher
"Oh really, Mr. Jones," I said. "I am so interested in hearing more about how Lord of the Flies is crap. Please come up to the front of the class and explain it to everyone."

I stand cross-armed and skeletal - sarcastic high school English teachers are a thin breed, harrowed out, perhaps, by their contempt for the thousands of jocks who should be rightfully sweeping the high school hallways and not going on to cushy post-University jobs.

"Soon, Rebecca! SOON," I whisper to myself. "Class is almost over and then there is vodka and Jude the Obscure to numb the pain."

Plucky Girl Detective
My handgun sank to the bottom of the lake as did the safe full of clues and the body of the greasy hitman sent to stop me from getting to the police. But I was alive, having escaped the burning car plummeting over the ravine into the icy lake in a hailstorm of bullets.

Suddenly an arm reached down into the water - a strong, sexy arm - and pulled me to safety.
I lay, gasping, and gradually my rescuer came into view. It was Juan, my Brazilian-American third ex-husband and former partner. Even half-drowned, half-frozen and with a bullet in my arm, I was painfully aware of the still-crackling sexual tension between us.

"What took you so long, baby?" I said. And then I passed out.

The World's Most Talented Ballerina
I am the world's most famous ballerina and I also look really excellent with all of my hair pulled back. Tonight is my most important performance. I dance the lead roles in Coppelia, Sleeping Beauty AND The Nutcracker and everyone agrees that I am the greatest ballerina ever. The crowd goes wild, standing and cheering. Everyone from my grade 2 class is there. They all feel really bad that they didn't realize how cool I was back in grade 2.

"If only we had all pretended to be brave WWII nursing dogs that one time like she wanted!" they weep.

Sensible Mother With Three Children In School
"So long!" I said, waving to them from the front porch. "Have a good day! See you later!"

They all march off, grumbling. I chortle merrily to myself and head back into the child-free warmth of my house where I am working on my masterwork, tenatively entitled "Me And Magnum Driving Around In A Dune Buggy."


  1. This might be the best blog post I've ever read.

  2. While I have no doubt you'd make a fabulous detective and ballerina, I think you would be the best sarcastic English teacher EVER. The Ontario Schools' loss is your family's gain.

  3. Total flashback: Google just ate me first comment.

    So, as I was saying...

    This post brightened my day. Thanks!

  4. And I wasn't trying for an accent in THAT comment. me = my

  5. I'm so glad you have achieved your dreams! I was once a Sarcastic English Teacher (I can tell you, good sarcasm is wasted on kids these days) and now I am a Sarcastic Girl Friday for my husband's business. It's great and I love my boss...he lets me take a day off whenever I want to.

  6. I can't wait to read the new masterpiece. But I agree, we have lost much in you not becoming a sarcastic English teacher. My daughter, at least, would have loved you. Sarcasm is her love language.

  7. Love this! Hope you and yours are well. :)