What is it? This is a luridly-green Grinch Who Stole Christmas-esque chocolate cake. It costs $79.
Do I want it? I DO like cake, even if it is green. But Christmas is already pretty dessert-y and there is a very high chance that I would view The Gift Of Cake as a personal challenge. JUST ME AND A CAKE AND A FORK.
What should you give me instead? Give me a cake. I will eat this cake.
What is it? High shafted* Ugg boots with leather ribbons on them. They cost $300.
Do I want it? They're pretty FOR UGGS but one winter in the salty slushy crap I have to walk in and they'd look AWFUL.
*"High shafted" HEE HEE HEE!
Wave Pointed Canape and New Leaf Dessert Plates
What is it? Weirdly shaped white canape and dessert plates - $30 and and $52 for 4.
Do I want it? No. Plates are not presents.
What is it? A low-fat deep fryer. $250.
Do I want it? Nope. I normally make MY low-fat "fries" by slicing up whatever vegetable I'm using, drizzling them with a bit of olive oil and tossing them in the oven for some vague amount of time. GOOD ENOUGH and there's not another small appliance to put away. Also, who makes french fries enough at home that this is a going concern? That person eats TOO MANY FRENCH FRIES.
What is it: It's an eReader. $119.
Do I want it? I was given an eReader two years or so ago and at first I was pretty pleased but I gradually lost all interest. Turns out I love reading BOOKS. But this one looks nice enough, if you want one, I guess, although I kind of feel like eReaders are from two years ago and everyone already has one.
Bigarade Shower Gel and Body Milk
Instead of hearing ME blather about it, let's listen to Jason Statham!
HEE. This is a SILLY list. This is a silly thing to write about. And the bodywash costs $75 and the body "MILK" costs $95. GOOD GRIEF! NINETY FIVE BUCKS!
Do I want it: No, but I've decided that I like Jason Statham. Helllo, handsome!
Diamond Quilted Barn Jacket
What is it: It is a $128 quilted barn jacket and there may be things in this world more unflattering (in hulk green!) but I can't think of them off the top of my head.
DO I want it: No thank you.
Oprah & Deepak Meditation CDs
What is it: OPRAH AND DEEPAK CHOPRA RECORDED HER "MEDITATION EXPERIENCES" AND NOW YOU CAN BUY THEM. THIS IS IT! THE THING I WANT LEAST IN THE WORLD FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.
Do I want it: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
PerfectTemp Cordless Electric Kettle
What is it: it is a $100 cordless kettle. I sort of can't imagine giving one for a gift, although they're pleasant things to own.
Do I want it? I already have one much like it. We're good.
Washi Tea Tins and Chai Oolong
What is it: cute tins ($11) to put nice tea ($13) in. Nothing to snark about here unless you HATE HAPPINESS, you monster.
Do I want it: sounds nice.
Beats Studio Headphones
What is it: $300 headphones that were on the list LAST YEAR. Apparently we live in dark times where there is but one gift-worthy headphone brand. Dark, pricey times.
Do I want it: Not really. I don't want headphones that are theoretically worth more than my head.
V-Neck Long Sleeve Tee and Double Layer Lounge Pants
What is it: Cotton pajamas. The top is $74 and the bottom is $148. That's pricey.
Do I want it: Pajamas are always nice but I like mine made out of something substantial and warmth-radiating, like the pelts of Muppets.
Enrico Products Spiral Salad Bowl and Servers
What is it: Sort of loopy looking orange salad servers and a matching bowl. $20 and $55
Do I want it: I'd say a grouchy "NOOO" except a few birthdays ago, my mom gave me a giant plastic bowl and told me, generously, that it was for when I was eating chips and drinking and I love it and have used my unbreakable giant chip bowl on many an occasion, so maybe I ALSO want a big orange salad bowl too, who KNOWS at this point? Maybe I just haven't told myself yet.
Qooq Touch Tablet
What is it? It's a $399 touch tablet loaded with 1000 recipes and searchable by ingredients and can I just silently point to my second hand copy of Joy of Cooking that I got for $5?
Do I want it? No, not really.
Gold Plated O Shaped Candlestick Holders
What is it: O-shaped candle holders that won't block your view of your dinnermates at swanky dinner parties and hang on a minute while I'm totally bitter about my fancy dinner party-free LIFE here for a bit.
Do I want it: No, I mostly just want to have some posh friends who throw fancy dinner parties and want me to come to them for some weird reason.
Beligian Linen Silkscreened Pet Picture Pillow
What is it: this is the one pet-themed gift this year. There is - a few items down - a pet GIFT, but this is the only suggestion for people who like their dogs waaaay too much and have a lot of expendable income. So this is a hand-drawn illustration of your pet, printed on a linen pillowcase and filled with a goosedown pillow and if you have $395 and think this is JUST the thing you want, here you go.
Do I want it: Nooo. I have cats - or A Cat, thanks to this year's Grim Cat Tragedy - and she's plenty decorative on her own without me me getting a pillow with her face on it (that she would then sleep on).
Amaryllis Gervase Bulb Kit
I keep skipping over writing this one for no reason that I can see. It's a nice looking flowerpot, Dutch Amaryllis bulb and "growing material," packaged very nicely It's $43 and pretty - look!
Andre Walker Hair Set
What is it: A high end ($18-22) hair line and I don't think hair products make a great Christmas present but maybe you want to treat YOURSELF, in which case I'm sure it's nice.
Caddylicious Stationary Set
What is it: Merciful heavens, it's a clear plastic box filled with ugly stationary that costs - for mysterious Rich People Reasons - $300. If I was going to spend $300 on a STATIONARY SET, I would want it to be a beautiful hand-illuminated Book of Kells-type deal and not this so optical-illusion-y, but this is probably some sort of litmus test to see who deserves to stay poor.
What is it: The title says it all, but it also doesn't say that they're from $150 to $250 and also JUST the thing to slap your enemy in the face with before declaring a duel.
Butter London Nude Nail Polish Set
What is it: An $85 8 piece nail polish set in various skin-toned shades of brown. There's 2 horrible reasons why we don't tend to paint our nails beige or brown:
1. Painting your nails the same shade as your skin isn't very attractive.
2. Really? You can't think of a gross reason that people don't normally have dark brown nails?
Do I want this? I would like almost any OTHER of their nail polish sets, but not this one.
Ashton Kutcher co-designed tees
What: High-end t-shirts ($136 for 4) and while Ashton Kutcher having anything to do with them isn't a selling point in MY mind, some of the shirts are actually pretty cute for shirts that are priced waaaaay out of my price range.
Toulouse Jewelry Box
What is it: a truly hideous $295 jewelry box, like poor RED Fraggle with a terrible disfiguring skin condition.
Imagine her made into a jewelry box.
BUT while I was trying to find the box on the site, I ALSO found the world's cutest jewelry box. IT'S A SQUIRREL AND I NEED IT.
Eco Friendly Dog Toys
What is it: A bin of dog toys. I'm really looking forward to that dark time in my life when I buy a $68 box of dog toys for my Fur Baby for Christmas because all my Human Babies are grown up and off skiing and having fun and so instead I have a little dog in a sweater, bewildered and a little freaked out by this big expensive box of dog stuff.
Do I want it? - NOT YET. Give me about ten years.
Samsung Galaxy Gear Watch and Samsung Galaxy Note 3 Smartphone
Okay. So the watch is $300 and the phone starts at $700 and I don't know, maybe you're quite affluent and your husband wants a watch that tells him when he has a new message on his phone. Here you go.
Cashmere and Himalayan Wool Boyfriend On The Block Sweater
What is it: It's a... cashmere and Himalayan wool colour block sweater? For $225? The thing about living in the remote northern hinterland*, like me, is that whole fashion trends can rise and fall without me ever really being aware of them and so it was with colour blocking. But $225 is a LOT of money for something that's going to look dated in a little while or that MAY ALREADY LOOK DATED as far as I know, so if you're getting someone a cashmere and Himalayan wool sweater, possibly get them a more classic look.
* I don't actually live THAT far north. I'm exaggerating for comedic effect and also because I exaggerate A LOT.
Susan Hanover Earrings
What is this? They are coloured gem and oxidized silver drop earrings and "look much more expensive than they actually are." This is a problematic statement because they are $220 earrings and are thus an outrageous luxury item already for MOST PEOPLE.
Do I want this: I don't even have pierced EARS.
SeeHome Desk Magnifier
What is it? It's a set of reading glasses on a chain on a stand for the older people of your acquaintance who still describe themselves as "free-spirits" and who also lose their reading glasses a lot, from the looks of things. $49.
Do I want it: NO I AM YOUNG. PRACTICALLY A CHILD. I JUST SIT THIS CLOSE TO THE COMPUTER SCREEN BECAUSE I LIKE IT.
Burts Bees Baby Hand-Embroidered Organic Cotton Bibs
What are they: They are a basket of three hand-embroidered organic cotton bibs for $79 and you really, really don't need this. (OR are you buying a present for Prince George? This would do nicely.) The shop has lots of lovely little outfits at much more reasonable prices, I feel morally compelled to say.
Do I want it: No, I am out of babies.
What should you give me instead: Something that won't make me sob and sing "Sunrise, Sunset" as I put expensive, hand-embroidered, organic baby bibs on my cat all Christmas morning.
Coltellerie Berti for Match Convivio Nuovo Steak Knives
What is it: It's a way to spend $475 and still be really boring.
Baptism on Cane River Plate
What is it: A decorative plate ($168) with a print of one of Clementine Hunter's paintings on it. I don't like the plate because I feel like the raised edge distracts from the image BUT the store has lots of better versions:
Mophie Juice Pack Helium for iPhone 5
Huh, this is cool - it's a cute, bright cover for your iPhone that also CHARGES it, which is kind of neat. WE ARE LIVING IN THE FUTURE! $80.
Classic Coffee and Tea by Yedi
What is it: 6 sweater-print mugs for $50. I am shrugging indifferently, although I like mugs well enough. I recently broke my favorite mug, which was a free promotional item from a car lube shop. If I really like you, perhaps I'll give you six of those.
Raffia and Leather Bag
What is it: It's a bag made out of what looks like a straw hula skirt, some leather and some clear plastic-y bits. "Guess how much this costs?" I said as I shoved the magazine in poor M's face. She guessed $60 and then had to deal with the knowledge that it was actually $250 and adult life is a mystifying place where anything can cost anything because numbers are random and meaningless and we're all rich, ANYHOW.
Do I want it: Nooooo.
Ben & Lael Tomato Server and Small Gingko Leaf Flat Server
What is it: handmade copper servers that look like tomatoes and gingko leaves. Can you imagine what sort of crazy lottery win it is to be a small business craftsperson and to get your stuff on Oprah's list? THAT WOULD BE CRAZY. They're $225 and $175.
Personalized Enamel Purse Mirror
What is it: the title says it all. $30. It's cute, if you're in the $30 compact mirror market and need a nice stocking stuffer.
Do I want it: yes, but a cheaper version would ALSO be nice.
Rado True Thinline Jubile
What is it: It's... a collection of made-up-words? I tried slapping my computer and yelling "MAKE MORE SENSE!" but that didn't help.
No, wait! It's a white watch! And it costs $2700! I'm going to stare at it until it reveals the hidden mystery of why it costs as much as a used car, hang on.
Do I want it: No, expensive watches bring out my Inner Puritan.
Himalayan Salt Tequila Shot Glasses
What is it: Tequila shot glasses made out of... solid salt! Have you noticed that Oprah writes about tequila A LOT? Is everything okay, Oprah? $45 for six.
Do I want it? Not particularly, although they're nifty enough, I guess.
Optical Red Champagne Glasses
What is it: A bright red dishwasher-safe champagne glass for $20. I own a couple of champagne glasses and get to use them once in a while, which is nice, but mine are CLEAR because I don't normally drink champagne WITH SATAN.
Nest Fragrances Holiday Grand Four-Wick Candle
What is it: A giant Christmas-smelling candle for... whoo hoo! It's $225! HAHAHAHA. Once in a while, I buy one of those giant candles in a jar for $30 with a deep, satisfying sense of sin. I can't imagine spending that much on a candle. People are nuts.
Plum and Gold Headbands
There's no online link - HOW? - and I don't have much to say about headbands anyhow. Either you wear them or you wouldn't think of it, the end.
Maple Leaf At Home 18" Lazy Susan
What is it: a $195 monogrammed wooden Lazy Susan and I LOVE those. WHEE, my food is taking a fun ride! You can get me this one - it's quite nice.
Do I want it: I've gone full circle on this - first there was horror and then there was my continued desire to have a full Luv Life and then there was "BUT THIS LOOKS SO COMFY!" and now I'm Mrs. Roper. SO YES.
Look at this thing! (I mean the muumuu. The model is lovely.)
What should you get me instead? If you're Bill: SOMETHING FOXIER THAN A MUUMUU. If you're anyone else, this will do JUST fine, thanks! (in black.) It's $122.
Green Malachite Boxes
What is it: Velvet lined boxes in a dark-green swirly print. $49 to $69 each. "I collect green malachite boxes," Oprah writes so now that is a thing we know. SO MANY GREEN MALACHITE BOXES ALL FULL OF SECRETS!
Do I want it? No. Oprah can have it.
Pie Corps Roast Turkey and Sweet Potato Pie
ANOTHER thing that comes from some magical store with no internet presence! This is a roast turkey and sweet potato pie and that sounds delicious, doesn't it? I'm so hungry. I think I need a snack. Anyhow, it's $45, which is kind of a lot.
The Cordial Cherry Edible Nativity
What is it: It is a cutesy Nativity set made out of chocolate-dipped cherries. "Sweet Jesus" is both the header and ALSO what I said when I saw it. $45.
Do I want it: Um, no.
What should you give me instead: A 300 page essay on "The Troubling Theological Implications of Edible Cartoony Nativities" with FOOTNOTES.
28 Green Single-Origin Dark Chocolate Ganache Truffles Set
What is it? A $75 fine chocolate set:
Organic Greek Fir Honey
What is it: It's a fancy jar of honey! It's such a fancy jar of honey that I kept looking at it and looking at it trying to make it be a jar of fancy face cream or something. $29
I'm a jar of honey!
What to get me instead: several of those cute bear-shaped bottles of local honey for me, thank you.
Sprinkles Cookie Dough
What is it: It's a tube of $12 cookie dough that makes six big cookies.
Do I want it: Noooo. I mean, it's fine. Maybe you have someone who is EXACTLY in the $12 tube of cookie dough gift category in your life and here you go, but cookies aren't exactly hard to make from scratch, either.
What to get me instead: Some cookies WOULD be pretty nice.
Nashville Loveless Cafe Season's Eatings Set
What is it: A $90 bucket of biscuit mix, waffle and pancake mixes, some bacon and some jams.
Do I want it: Do you know what's really easy to make from scratch? Biscuits. Know what ELSE is really easy to make? Waffles and pancakes. It's an attractive collection of food and people would probably like it fine BUT we need to stop making it seem like it's hard to do very, very easy things, like MAKING BISCUITS.
Bonnie's Jam Crate
What is it: A crate of six jams for $75. YOU GUYS. Jam - homemade jam - is a lovely thing. And I'm sure this is great jam. But I just can't wrap my brains around spending $75 on six jars of jam and a wooden crate.
Modern House Wines
What is it: der, attractive bottles of wine from Target.
Do I want it: What do YOU think? OF COURSE I DO.
Organic and Tartufo Salame Set
"Even Gayle - who claims not to like sausage..." Oprah writes, probably in complete innocence. Anyhow! Gayle, who normally does NOT like sausage, loved this sausage, and at $60 for 4, I'm certain that this sausage is delicious-enough to convert even the most dedicated non-sausage fan.
So my New Year's resolution this year is to be a nicer person, which I'm bringing up for no reason whatsoever. MOVING BRISKLY ON.
Sarabeth's Soups and Biscuits
This is three cream-of-tomato soups and six buttermilk biscuits for $42. Here is a recipe for cream-of-tomato soup. It is, I promise you, a very, very easy soup to make and costs maybe $3 to make from scratch.
Holiday Collection Tower
What is it: One of those boxes of fancy food that companies and what have you send each other, $54. Are you a corporation who is also, weirdly, a human? Here is a thing you can send your Corporation-Yet-Human friends.
Thomas Keller Black Truffle Risotto Gift Box
What is it: "If you are Rita Wilson, stop reading now." YOUR CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN RUINED, RITA WILSON! You're getting this for Christmas! Just a $500 box of stuff to make black truffle risotto and nothing else and poor Rita Wilson saying a hushed "thank you" on Christmas morning and then forlornly wondering why no one got her that copy of Just Dance 2014 she wanted.
Do I want it: I hate truffles. I hate rice. I hate risotto. I hate presents that suggest strongly that I should be doing something constructive with my time.
Fernando Pensato Pasta and Truffle-Infused Olive Oil set
YET MORE TRUFFLES. This is a $40 truffle pasta and truffle oil set. Just skip to the next item.
3 6-ounce Truffle-infused cheeses
What is it: Three 6-ounce truffle infused cheeses for $70 and here is the best line in the WHOLE GIFT GUIDE, so please brace yourself: "I'm going to slip some into the next Love Sandwich I make for Stedman."
Do I want it: LOVE SANDWICH!
This is me having my Christmas totally made. LOVE SANDWICH!
What should you get me instead? I'm fine, thank you. "Love Sandwich" was enough of a gift for me. I will now be happy until the day I die. Also I am SO proud of me for avoiding the obvious innuendo minefields of "Love Sandwich." GOOD FOR ME! Maturity, if you're curious, feels barren and cold.
Sabatino Pipcorn and Truffle Oil set
What is it: last year's "pipcorn" - agggh - and some truffle oil and truffle salt and I just so don't want any of this. $94 to disappoint me expensively.
5 Bottled Truffle Sauces
What is it: It is a set of five truffley sauces for various things - curry, barbecue. "When did I lose touch with the common people?" Oprah thinks sadly, eating a bowl of Premium Kraft Dinner with Truffle Ketchup. $55!
Adam Glassman's List
In past years, Adam Glassman's lists have been pleasant oasises of calm and loveliness, full of Things I Like but this year's list is pretty lurid and made me make the sort of dismayed face that leads STRAIGHT TO WRINKLES.
Edible Gingerbread House
What is it: A white-frosted gingerbread house kit that you can assemble and colour with food-safe markers that are, sadly, not included. $45
Do I want it: It's fine. But gingerbread house kits are only really THEORETICALLY edible - we tend to assemble on the first Sunday of Advent and by the time Christmas is over it's a dusty House Of Christmas Horror. While it's FINE, it's expensive for what it is. Most grocery stores sell versions that are completely adequate.
What is it? Squares of incense for $58.
Do I want it: Nooooo
What Should You Get Me Instead:
What is it: IT IS THIS SHREKY $68 BRACELET:
The world is full of things I do not want, cheerfully enough.
What are they: I can't find them on the page but they are THESE $160 SHOES.
What is it:: There's no link on the page, but it's a cute $6 dreidel mug.
Do I want it: It's cute!
Agate Stone Clutches
What is it: Words fail me.
Do I want it: No, I so rarely go to fancy faux-crocodile/agate-slice occasions.
Beer and BBQ Spatula
What is it: A $25 camo print spatula.
Do I want this: Nope. Horribly enough, many of my male relatives would LOVE this. It's camo print! It has a DEER ON THE METAL PART! You could use it to BBQ, the most MANLY WAY TO COOK!
What is it: A $69 bath towel in a camo print. SURE. I would love a camo-themed bathroom. That sounds nice.
Do I want this: Not much.
What is it IT IS YET ANOTHER CAMO THING I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT CAMO ANYMORE $68
Old Navy Peacoat
What is it it is a coat I am tired of writing about this dumb list
Camo socks! $20 a pair and that's all I know about them! I don't want them. CAMO.
What is it: A lovely made in the U.S. watch! Which is, tragically, $575. But it's pretty nice, if you're in the $575 watch bracket. If you are: did I tell you that you're nice and my very good friend? (sits back, waits for watch.)
What is it: $32 dark red zebra plates AHH MY EYES! Sadly, they have sold out. So many human beings bought these that there are no more. Humanity!
Do I want these: Too bad for me if I did but happily they're hideous and I do not.
Portable iPhone Speaker
What is it: a $60 portable iPhone speaker. It's a handsome object, I GUESS. I don't have any real feelings on it. We're getting SOMEONE this portable speaker, which is both $15 and very, very funny.
Ogon Designs Card Case
What is it: it's a bright red $69 quilted-looking business card case and blaaaah, boring. Who gets these things for Christmas? What are they LIKE?
Jill Martin Shoe and Boot Bags
What is it: 6 ugly shoe bags for $61. Merciful heavens.
Wolfum Wall Hooks
What is it: colourful quilt-patterned elk wall hooks? $38 each and I think, sometimes, that decorators are just KIDDING about this sort of thing.
Slate and Coral Pillows
What is it? It's a $120 throw pillow, which is a thing that I just don't get. It's quite pretty and shiny, which I like, at least.
$60! For a homemade paper journal! And it's a lovely object but I promise you that all of my journals degenerate into pointless list keeping (mostly recipes I want to make, which says grim and terrible things about me and my all-consuming gluttony) and there's nothing worth being written in a cute $60 book, REALLY. But if you're planning on Eat, Pray, Love-ing*, this would be the perfect book to keep your notes in.
* Don't do this.
Robyn Glaser Home Linen Napkins
Napkins! $32! And in one of those terriying Fashion People prints that I just don't get. Maybe you do. Hello! Do we have anything in common?
Toms + Tabitha Simmons Shoes
What are these? These are $124 shoes, kind of ugly/comfy and NOT a Christmas present because people don't actually buy shoes for presents, do they? Do you get shoes for Christmas? Would you like these particular shoes? I can't imagine.
I'm skipping the "Beauty Gifts" section because it was COMPLETELY made up of me going on about how much I want all the makeup. My restraint in this area is my Christmas gift to you. I will, instead, just make some random notes:
1. Nars - I do realize that the whole point of makeup is to enhance and extend one's sexual appeal but this is subtext and your product names (Voyeur, Orgasm, Sexual Healing) make this into eye-rolling text. Having said that, I would very much like Oprah's eyeliner set, even though it costs $49.
2. If my teenager liked makeup gifts, this little $10 e.l.f. palette would be a fine stocking stuffer.
3. :"For your med-student niece who washes up to a hundred times a day..." do many of you have nieces who are both in medical school and suffering from skin-searing OCD? Costco has some nice 3 packs of hand cream for her, although maybe the poor girl could REALLY use a day to relax. I try to never go into Costco for obvious, I-Don't-Need-A-Box-Of-300-Granola-Bars reasons, though.
And that's it! That's all I can possibly say about this year's Oprah list, and my Christmas Love Sandwich to all (or most) of you. I hope you've enjoyed it.